I hate thinking about you. It's inconvenient, especially because I do not want to miss you. I do NOT want to miss that unhealthy relationship.
However, I cannot help but wonder how you are doing with life. No, I do not want to help you out anymore, but I do hope that you're not in a deep shit hole as well, and actually doing something productive. I don't even have your number anymore.
I could look you up on facebook, probably, and message you for it. But, I really do not want to go down that path. I really promised myself that the last time I would contact you, would be on your birthday, through a text, just to say happy birthday. I'm not reaching out anymore because I do not want it to seem like I still want you. I do not want you to think that I miss what we had. I do not want you to think that I'm going to try and break up whatever you got going on right now.
So, that's just why I thought about you. I cannot talk to you. I feel like we would not have much to say. I do wonder, if we will ever be friends again though. Would we be mature enough? I really was just trying to be friends again, but you thought I wanted more. Definitely. Not.
So I stopped texting you. Eventually lost your number when my phone erased them all. And I don't really care to get it back, unless you decide to randomly contact me. My number has never changed, but yours always does. Why? Cuz you could never pay your shit on time. So that's why, I do not want to talk to you. Because, while I do hope you're doing better, I want you to be having a shitty time as well.
That is why I can't talk to you. We can't be civil.
So the end.
I doubt you even think about me anyway.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Flickering light
What if
space didn't matter
because Space technology finally made it easier.
Would that be easier to let our guards down?
Or faster to cement that last brick in the wall?
Would that accentuate the empty space within ourselves?
It would be too easy at that point, right?
Life is built for challenges, anyway.
We love to seek out the mirage in front of us,
and knowing we'll never reach it.
But what if
it's finally a reality
And you're disappointed?
Do we hide again because it's not worth it?
Pain?
Maybe we seek pain
just so we don't eternally feel empty.
Or maybe it's just my mind.
Finding pleasure after constant hurt and setbacks just to get a grasp
on what happiness might mean.
Why can't happiness be a feeling on its own? Only a constant comparison.
Why are we afraid?
Yet we continue to walk on, fully dressed in armor
Shield ourselves from the bright lights that eventually blow out.
space didn't matter
because Space technology finally made it easier.
Would that be easier to let our guards down?
Or faster to cement that last brick in the wall?
Would that accentuate the empty space within ourselves?
It would be too easy at that point, right?
Life is built for challenges, anyway.
We love to seek out the mirage in front of us,
and knowing we'll never reach it.
But what if
it's finally a reality
And you're disappointed?
Do we hide again because it's not worth it?
Pain?
Maybe we seek pain
just so we don't eternally feel empty.
Or maybe it's just my mind.
Finding pleasure after constant hurt and setbacks just to get a grasp
on what happiness might mean.
Why can't happiness be a feeling on its own? Only a constant comparison.
Why are we afraid?
Yet we continue to walk on, fully dressed in armor
Shield ourselves from the bright lights that eventually blow out.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
shitfuckdamn
So... I'm feeling a bit more vulnerable these days.
It has been that way for the past week or so, mostly.
That comes with letting one's guard down though, right?
Here I sit in front of the computer where I should be writing an essay on how our food system has fucked us over, but instead I sit here and think of you. I wonder what you're up to. (And that scares me.)
At least, I know the feeling is mutual. I know you're scared too, right? We cleared the air, and here we are. It's intense. Do we know what it means? Hm. Haha
We drifted a little. But you caught me. I was kind of fine, gambling with the thought of being alone, and thriving. Yet, this connection was a bit too much to just ignore. Am I right? Even when we didn't speak, I still had the urge to see what's up. I wanted to give you space though--and I'm not quite sure why. Probably my own defense mechanism. I'm always one to repress feelings. After all, why me? Why bother with me?
But then I think, why am I so hard on myself? Why not me? I can be pretty fucking amazing. So what you're seeing now, is something new. The fact that I am gaining some confidence in who I am, and what I deserve.
You understand me though. Even though it seemed like my feelings did come out of nowhere.
I am deathly afraid of being attached to you. Not because you're not amazing, but because you really are--and I enjoy every moment I get to speak to you. But this space issue. The space between us. That's tough. Mentally, we're pretty fucking close though. But is that enough compensation? I like to think it is... although I admit, without physically being around each other.. I really don't want to go crazy.
I guess it is just because I've been through this situation before. I fell hard. I sense that this very well may happen again. But again. The distance. No bueno. However, I feel it is not fair to hold back anymore. I've only been myself. I genuinely have these thoughts. I genuinely want to know you. I don't want to scare you away, at all. I want to keep making you smile, and laugh (among other things). I want to make you think about the world in a different light, although you already do that well enough on your own--And that's what gets me.
I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't stop talking to you. Or thinking about you.
Shit.
Fuck.
Damn.
It is what is though. I'm happy that we've gotten to know each other. Happy that it just started off with an offering of tacos. Crazy, huh?
It has been that way for the past week or so, mostly.
That comes with letting one's guard down though, right?
Here I sit in front of the computer where I should be writing an essay on how our food system has fucked us over, but instead I sit here and think of you. I wonder what you're up to. (And that scares me.)
At least, I know the feeling is mutual. I know you're scared too, right? We cleared the air, and here we are. It's intense. Do we know what it means? Hm. Haha
We drifted a little. But you caught me. I was kind of fine, gambling with the thought of being alone, and thriving. Yet, this connection was a bit too much to just ignore. Am I right? Even when we didn't speak, I still had the urge to see what's up. I wanted to give you space though--and I'm not quite sure why. Probably my own defense mechanism. I'm always one to repress feelings. After all, why me? Why bother with me?
But then I think, why am I so hard on myself? Why not me? I can be pretty fucking amazing. So what you're seeing now, is something new. The fact that I am gaining some confidence in who I am, and what I deserve.
You understand me though. Even though it seemed like my feelings did come out of nowhere.
I am deathly afraid of being attached to you. Not because you're not amazing, but because you really are--and I enjoy every moment I get to speak to you. But this space issue. The space between us. That's tough. Mentally, we're pretty fucking close though. But is that enough compensation? I like to think it is... although I admit, without physically being around each other.. I really don't want to go crazy.
I guess it is just because I've been through this situation before. I fell hard. I sense that this very well may happen again. But again. The distance. No bueno. However, I feel it is not fair to hold back anymore. I've only been myself. I genuinely have these thoughts. I genuinely want to know you. I don't want to scare you away, at all. I want to keep making you smile, and laugh (among other things). I want to make you think about the world in a different light, although you already do that well enough on your own--And that's what gets me.
I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't stop talking to you. Or thinking about you.
Shit.
Fuck.
Damn.
It is what is though. I'm happy that we've gotten to know each other. Happy that it just started off with an offering of tacos. Crazy, huh?
Friday, September 24, 2010
Until I Move Out.
It feels like I have to suppress my feelings.
Feelings about everything.
Family.
Friends.
People I like.
Because there's just no use in tackling these problems, if I cannot be independent.
Who the hell wants to deal with a girl that can't have a life? People want to have fun when they are interested in someone. They want to have a night out without having to worry about curfews.
It's not that I want to be older. I just want to be trusted.
I made a HUGE fucking mistake, and I guess I'm still paying my dues.
Whatever. I'll just repress anything sexual. Put it into an energy that will get me through school faster, get me money faster. So I can get the fuck away from here.
Feelings about everything.
Family.
Friends.
People I like.
Because there's just no use in tackling these problems, if I cannot be independent.
Who the hell wants to deal with a girl that can't have a life? People want to have fun when they are interested in someone. They want to have a night out without having to worry about curfews.
It's not that I want to be older. I just want to be trusted.
I made a HUGE fucking mistake, and I guess I'm still paying my dues.
Whatever. I'll just repress anything sexual. Put it into an energy that will get me through school faster, get me money faster. So I can get the fuck away from here.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
withering away
what the hell happened?
...
nothing but cryptic talk.
skipping ever so delicately around.
back to the way things never were
stalemate.
my home.
...
nothing but cryptic talk.
skipping ever so delicately around.
back to the way things never were
stalemate.
my home.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
An Experience
Walk. walk. walk.
Inhale. Savor. Exhale.
Forward to a setting where you're being drawn. Or not.
Totally high.
Strange music playing in the background, yet freezes in your ears. Drowning.
He stands so nonchalant. Sipping that coffee.
Calls my name and I'm totally gone. Oblivious.
And he eyes me.
Rewind. "Why go to the club, or parties.
I'd rather get high and see some fucking art."
I Agree. I'd love to be like Warhol.
Or be his factory girl.
Forward. Motherfucker, fuck me. Lover. THERE SHE WALKS,
With 2 curls laid out by each ear.
She's gorgeous.
Timer on. Ticking away. Slips out of the white cover.
Draw it all in. Inhale once again. Shit, stress while I float.
Charcoal dust flying from my finger tips. Falling from my canvas. Never. Never. Never.
She sees me look at her.
Avert my eyes. She's bare. Vulnerable.
I'm sorry.
Pose/sketch/pose/sketch/pose/sketch/pose/sketch/pose/sketch
Scribble. Detail. Shade
Tedious work.
Surface art and drugs.
Let me draw yours lines. Let me lay out the powder.
Let me draw your shadows. Let me breathe you in.
Let me draw your shell. Let me pass this.
Then break it, deeper
to vulnerability. to Fear.
Let me.
Or make me avert my gaze.
where do we go for an hour?
look at you. just like everyone else.
put you down. pick you up again. pass you around.
you stand still. twitch. sweat. try not to move.
ambitious. and delirious.
"Thanks. You were fabulous"
Life: art in the making, your drama, your problems, you are an altered reality. that is art.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
[check] lady gaga concert tickets. lady gaga ass
okay, well when i meant ass.. i probably meant sex. but i did get plenty of good looks at her ass tonight. well, (considering the time it is now) LAST night.
and i LOVED IT.
AFNA 2010 Irvine -- thurs-sat. im getting drunk every chance i get. and high if someone brings the good shit.
good.night.
Monday, August 9, 2010
dear you
i'm finally coming to terms with it. and though, i know you'll probably never EVER come across this blog.. i just need to write it out.
we shared something that wasn't natural. we lived a life that most don't. we lived a secret. we were stuck in our own little world--literally. and even though it was me that initially *tried* to step out of the world, you were the one to truly put it behind you first. and here, i sat, dazed, delirious... regretting. but i knew one of us had to feel it first.
i guess it just hurt because when i found out, thats when i needed someone in my life. i thought i was losing my grandpa. and that piece of news from you, truly just dug deep and kind of just took me off my track. i finally felt that broken heart.
so i started to do things to get my mind off of you. get things done for myself, to make myself feel better. getting my lobes stretched. saving money for piercings and tattoos. hanging out with my friends more often--people that CARE about me and my well-being. not just people who call me up when no one else can help them. not just people that call me up because they need something for me to do for them. i can't believe i let myself be your bitch for so long. and now i feel even more stupid because im feeling hurt that you've moved on quicker than i did.
not to say, that i haven't met new people. its just that i haven't made that step. but maybe, thats YOUR insecurity. you NEED someone to be there for you. you NEED that intimacy because you don't know how to be alone. is it always like that for pretty girls?
you haven't heard from me since you texted me for a weed hook up. the last you'll hear from me is just a short happy birthday text in a few weeks. because i can't give a shit anymore. it's stupid. and you make me feel worthless.
but i know, i have other people. other people that i can chill with, sober and drunk. laugh and cry. and i can be me, without them being ashamed of me. in fact, they're happy to be around me. they were here before you were in my life, and they'll be here when you're forever gone.
if for some shit miracle happens where we become friends again, so fucking be it. but its not because im there to be your bitch again.
so goodbye, you. glad you have someone else to take care of your bitchwork. don't come crawling when they're tired of it.
im sure you'll have a fan base soon, and you'll never feel alone because you're doing the whole music thing. but hey, just don't lose yourself. whomever that may be, because i sure as hell don't know anymore. and just know that once you hit that point, alot people will be in your life for the wrong reason--if they aren't already. so. whatever, good luck.
sincerely,
me.
we shared something that wasn't natural. we lived a life that most don't. we lived a secret. we were stuck in our own little world--literally. and even though it was me that initially *tried* to step out of the world, you were the one to truly put it behind you first. and here, i sat, dazed, delirious... regretting. but i knew one of us had to feel it first.
i guess it just hurt because when i found out, thats when i needed someone in my life. i thought i was losing my grandpa. and that piece of news from you, truly just dug deep and kind of just took me off my track. i finally felt that broken heart.
so i started to do things to get my mind off of you. get things done for myself, to make myself feel better. getting my lobes stretched. saving money for piercings and tattoos. hanging out with my friends more often--people that CARE about me and my well-being. not just people who call me up when no one else can help them. not just people that call me up because they need something for me to do for them. i can't believe i let myself be your bitch for so long. and now i feel even more stupid because im feeling hurt that you've moved on quicker than i did.
not to say, that i haven't met new people. its just that i haven't made that step. but maybe, thats YOUR insecurity. you NEED someone to be there for you. you NEED that intimacy because you don't know how to be alone. is it always like that for pretty girls?
you haven't heard from me since you texted me for a weed hook up. the last you'll hear from me is just a short happy birthday text in a few weeks. because i can't give a shit anymore. it's stupid. and you make me feel worthless.
but i know, i have other people. other people that i can chill with, sober and drunk. laugh and cry. and i can be me, without them being ashamed of me. in fact, they're happy to be around me. they were here before you were in my life, and they'll be here when you're forever gone.
if for some shit miracle happens where we become friends again, so fucking be it. but its not because im there to be your bitch again.
so goodbye, you. glad you have someone else to take care of your bitchwork. don't come crawling when they're tired of it.
im sure you'll have a fan base soon, and you'll never feel alone because you're doing the whole music thing. but hey, just don't lose yourself. whomever that may be, because i sure as hell don't know anymore. and just know that once you hit that point, alot people will be in your life for the wrong reason--if they aren't already. so. whatever, good luck.
sincerely,
me.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
ey
too tired.
can't wait for my bed after this long ass day.
probably be home at midnight or some shit like that.
HMmmmmmmmmmmmmzzzz.. zzz.
can't wait for my bed after this long ass day.
probably be home at midnight or some shit like that.
HMmmmmmmmmmmmmzzzz.. zzz.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
life support
apparently, they're going to take my grandpa off of life support today.
goood thing i drank as much as i could.
fuck.
i love you tatay. say hello to nanay for me.
goood thing i drank as much as i could.
fuck.
i love you tatay. say hello to nanay for me.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
im in dire need of a "fuck it" day
i need a day where i just don't give a shit about what ANYONE has to say.
i need a day to just be rude, because i'm tired of being the nice girl.
i need a day to just be belligerent drunk, and see how you like it.
i need a day where i don't hear any complaints about ANYTHING (especially stupid petty shit)
i need a day where i don't give a shit about whether i look good or not to you.
i need a day where the con-artists show their true identity.
i need a day where you bow down to me, and realize what you have in front of you.
i need a day to kick you to the curb, at least 100 times.
i need a day where i can laugh at you begging for forgiveness
i need a day, where i can just say "fuck it" and it doesn't matter anymore.
i need a day to just be rude, because i'm tired of being the nice girl.
i need a day to just be belligerent drunk, and see how you like it.
i need a day where i don't hear any complaints about ANYTHING (especially stupid petty shit)
i need a day where i don't give a shit about whether i look good or not to you.
i need a day where the con-artists show their true identity.
i need a day where you bow down to me, and realize what you have in front of you.
i need a day to kick you to the curb, at least 100 times.
i need a day where i can laugh at you begging for forgiveness
i need a day, where i can just say "fuck it" and it doesn't matter anymore.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
damn my broke ass
even if i had just ONE dollar (and some change). i could get myself two tacos from jack in the box.
BUT NO.
and all my cigarettes are gone (thanks marlin, ass) so i can't smoke the hunger away.
mmm. life, you aren't tasty.
and someone just posted a pic of choc/vanilla swirl ice cream cone on facebook--THE TORTURE!
i should make a quick friend so they can buy me something to eat HAHA. yeah right, fuck people.
BUT NO.
and all my cigarettes are gone (thanks marlin, ass) so i can't smoke the hunger away.
mmm. life, you aren't tasty.
and someone just posted a pic of choc/vanilla swirl ice cream cone on facebook--THE TORTURE!
i should make a quick friend so they can buy me something to eat HAHA. yeah right, fuck people.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
we want the wrong people to give a shit so much that we're oblivious and blind to those that do.
and those same people, are in our position, except we're now the wrong people that don't give a shit. and those people, have others, that do give a shit, but are forgotten.
so its a never ending cycle.
unless, by force of nature, you're perfect. and you're not blind to anybody, and see everyone.
but our actions are never perfect. never absolute. and ALWAYS create a chain that affects someone else.
think.
or don't.
someone pays for it in the end.
and those same people, are in our position, except we're now the wrong people that don't give a shit. and those people, have others, that do give a shit, but are forgotten.
so its a never ending cycle.
unless, by force of nature, you're perfect. and you're not blind to anybody, and see everyone.
but our actions are never perfect. never absolute. and ALWAYS create a chain that affects someone else.
think.
or don't.
someone pays for it in the end.
reverie
i must be PMSing like hell, but im in one of the worst moods ever.
i just want to say "FUCK YOU" to almost everybody.
i want to say that i hate that you have me around your finger. that you probably always will. even though i'm the one that ended it. we created this life that i grew used to. you took me away from everybody, LITERALLY. everything will eternally remind me of you. i can still taste you. i can still smell you. and i want to get away from it all. i want to make more mistakes, but you hold me back and you're not even here. i want to be the hottest piece of shit around and i want you to regret never trying harder. and you know you'll always remember the way i touched you here. and there. everywhere. yeah, i fucking miss you, but the old you. whoever this girl is now, whenever i see her in front of me, it's a fucking stranger. and you expect me to just act like everything is PERFECT. everything is fine.
you know what? i liked hearing that you're sad, and in pain. i know that's wrong.
but fuck you. fuck that. fuck all relationships.
in fact. fuck everyone. we all have our own agenda. we take down people out of neccesity. and if we don't, we feel fucking lost because we're not in control. i should know because this is EXACTLY how i'm feeling.
so i don't want to float around.
but maybe i do want to break some hearts, more than just yours. maybe i just want to break mine. push myself towards a person that i KNOW will never love me. that i KNOW will never give me the time of day. because i know pain best.
the next person i'm with, will always hate the last person that had me. all this jealousy. but my core being just can't be a slut.
and jealousy when there isn't even SHIT there. don't get me fucking started on that.
i swear. i had a dream a few days ago where i thought i was dead (fuck, maybe i am). and that i'm just in fucking purgatory because you're all TORTURING ME to no ends. its like Wristcutters (the movie, or the book it was based on) for fucks sake. everyone is in this constant reverie around me. nobody is fucking happy or content. or my mind is fucking with me because none of you are real to me. so it just makes me wonder, the exact moment when my whole life changed for me. i shouldn't be home. i should be somewhere else GROWING. and not stuck at this constant level of stupidity.
where are my friends?
too busy trying to fix a relationship, or too busy trying to deny feelings.
get the fuck out of here with that shit!
i've never wanted to just SCREAM so much in my life. well, that's not true. you've made me want to punch things, even you. no one's ever made me want to do that. and i loved you. truly, truly loved you. i can't believe how GOOD i was to you.
but who the hell am i, now? i've changed so much. i've never feared the possibilities of life so much. what happened to the girl that had all this ambition, that wanted things better than the life she grew up with. isn't that the point of life? .. no, but we're taught to every fucking second of the day that life is supposed to constantly get better (with of course all the twists and turns and steep falls.. but in the end you're SUPPOSED to feel like you've gotten somewhere... ugh my ASS)
and then we realize, at some point, it's the same for a lot of people. it doesn't get much better than its already been.
i know. i'm only fucking 20. and i hate being this pessimistic.
maybe i need to surround myself with people that don't have such fucked up ways. with a clear thought in their head. not people just interested in a quick fuck, a quick high. but hey, that's me. so who the fuck am i to judge.
who am i to screen people like that, when i'm just the same. i'm no better than you. and you are no better than me.
just because you look better than me, proves nothing. you just attract people alot easier. who the FUCK cares.
what a fucking rant that makes no fucking sense. ugh fuckkkkkk life.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
blank
Ten Things About You Right Now.
1. i've stopped drinking soda.
2. i should be studying
3. i'm excited about celebrating numerous bdays tonight
4. i'm listening to bossa nova.
5. i wish i went to EDC
6. i'm wearing my favorite pair of shorts
7. my striped shirt matches my striped socks <3 lol
8. my eye is itchy.
9. i'm ready to hop in the shower
10. i wish i were talking to someone.
Nine Things I Wish I Could Say To Nine Different People.
1. so where the hell have you been?
2. do you REALLY mean what you say..
3. we need to hang out fool!
4. tits
5. i miss you, and im glad you're healthy now
6. so when are you visiting me?
7. we need a trip to six flags, have a funnel cake fight, and scream our asses off
8. you're kinda really intimidating
9. we need to get our tattoos PRONTO
Eight Ways To Win My Heart... but really don't bother doing this stuff right now. so "Eight things I find ATTRACTIVE"
1. tattoos--and the reasons for them
2. long, luxurious hair. usually wavy and preferably dark. OMG.
3. piercings.
4. a creative mind
5. can talk about anything
6. handling your liquor
7. spending time to make yourself presentable--but not purely relying on your looks
8. applied ambition
Seven Questions That Cross My Mind.
1. What the hell am I really trying to do?
2. Do I really want to put myself through this?
3. Are you going to keep letting me down?
4. Am I ever going to get a second job?
5. Why did we stop talking?
6. Do you think I'm pretty? lol
7. Will I get to meet my idol?
Six Things I Do Before I Go To Bed.
1. shower
2. brush my teeth
3. stretch
4. check email/fb/all that shit.
5. text
6. yawn
Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me. i'm just gonna write type the first letter.
1. A.
2. D.
3. A.
4. C.
5. and i guess i have a vacancy.
Four Things I Am Wearing Right Now.
1. long shirt
2. bra
3. shorts
4. panties
Three Songs I Listen To A Lot, Lately.
1. kid cudi (steve aoki remix) - pursuit of happiness
2. ne-yo - beautiful monster
3. uffie ft. pharell williams - ADD SUV
Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die.
1. be on stage in front of thousands, and then stage dive.
2. fuck/date lady gaga =] <3 hahahaha. so serious.
One Confession.
1. i can't stand vodka. but i drink it anyway. as long as i have cranberry juice.
1. i've stopped drinking soda.
2. i should be studying
3. i'm excited about celebrating numerous bdays tonight
4. i'm listening to bossa nova.
5. i wish i went to EDC
6. i'm wearing my favorite pair of shorts
7. my striped shirt matches my striped socks <3 lol
8. my eye is itchy.
9. i'm ready to hop in the shower
10. i wish i were talking to someone.
Nine Things I Wish I Could Say To Nine Different People.
1. so where the hell have you been?
2. do you REALLY mean what you say..
3. we need to hang out fool!
4. tits
5. i miss you, and im glad you're healthy now
6. so when are you visiting me?
7. we need a trip to six flags, have a funnel cake fight, and scream our asses off
8. you're kinda really intimidating
9. we need to get our tattoos PRONTO
Eight Ways To Win My Heart... but really don't bother doing this stuff right now. so "Eight things I find ATTRACTIVE"
1. tattoos--and the reasons for them
2. long, luxurious hair. usually wavy and preferably dark. OMG.
3. piercings.
4. a creative mind
5. can talk about anything
6. handling your liquor
7. spending time to make yourself presentable--but not purely relying on your looks
8. applied ambition
Seven Questions That Cross My Mind.
1. What the hell am I really trying to do?
2. Do I really want to put myself through this?
3. Are you going to keep letting me down?
4. Am I ever going to get a second job?
5. Why did we stop talking?
6. Do you think I'm pretty? lol
7. Will I get to meet my idol?
Six Things I Do Before I Go To Bed.
1. shower
2. brush my teeth
3. stretch
4. check email/fb/all that shit.
5. text
6. yawn
Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me. i'm just gonna write type the first letter.
1. A.
2. D.
3. A.
4. C.
5. and i guess i have a vacancy.
Four Things I Am Wearing Right Now.
1. long shirt
2. bra
3. shorts
4. panties
Three Songs I Listen To A Lot, Lately.
1. kid cudi (steve aoki remix) - pursuit of happiness
2. ne-yo - beautiful monster
3. uffie ft. pharell williams - ADD SUV
Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die.
1. be on stage in front of thousands, and then stage dive.
2. fuck/date lady gaga =] <3 hahahaha. so serious.
One Confession.
1. i can't stand vodka. but i drink it anyway. as long as i have cranberry juice.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
i am hungry.
but the odd thing is, i made myself breakfast this morning. so that i WOULDN'T have this problem.
but im hungry. not terribly hungry, but i do have an appetite that im struggling to fill.
i only have a $1.25 in quarters. that can buy me a snack from a machine.. but.. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i want sushi. i want kbbq. i want a subway sandwich. i want in n out.
OH MY GOD.
let me go shut up my fat conscience.
but im hungry. not terribly hungry, but i do have an appetite that im struggling to fill.
i only have a $1.25 in quarters. that can buy me a snack from a machine.. but.. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i want sushi. i want kbbq. i want a subway sandwich. i want in n out.
OH MY GOD.
let me go shut up my fat conscience.
Monday, June 28, 2010
When You Talk
Can you just stay around,
While I'm trying hard to
To find and reach you now,
I am lost in this room
This place is very loud
Just quit wondering and go
Without feeling alone
Without caring that much
When you talk, I don't care what it means
Shouldn't just stare at you, should I?
When you talk, I don't care what it means
Shouldn't just stare at you, should I?
I know you think about
How you like to be seen
By everyone around
You're so pretty it hurts
I'll take you to the ground
And keep you down below
You deserve to be alone
You don't matter that much
When you talk, I don't care what it means
shouldn't just stare at you, should I?
When you talk, I don't care what it means
this song is for all those bitches. =] i think we all know someone like this.
i think this is meant for all those flings that go nowhere because its based on pure physical attraction and lust. yeah, sure, you're all fun and games honey--you're fun to look at, but you're just my appetizer.
so for all of you, that spend hours fixing yourself up to meet a certain stereotype (yes, i say stereotype and mean it) and don't spend hours on your life in the long run.. you will forever be just someone's appetizer. that, or you just want to be a trophy wife. or a mistress. who knows. you're young now, i know, so definitely live it.. but it's not always gonna be that way. or else you need to get yourself that billionaire who will buy you those countless surgeries and botox appointments to keep yourself RELEVANT.
however, if you take the time to beautify your MIND, then you'll always be relevant no matter what shoes, clothes, jewelry you're wearing.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
here's why i think it didn't work out
you were a completely different person with me. then when you were other people, you were someone else.
now, i know that's natural to a certain degree, but.. usually it shouldn't be such a DRASTIC change. so drastic, that when i would be in the presence of you and your friends, i felt slightly uncomfortable because you acted in a way i wasn't used to.
so why is that? why would you act this way, and then the other? which is real? are they both real? then why not be both in front of me?
its something so little, i know, but it makes a big impact. because i felt like i didn't know you anymore. because that's not the person i fell in love with. yes, you're physically you, but your attitude was totally different. that's what began to push me away. what happened? was acting a certain way too much, so that your true colors were finally showing?
then thats not fair to me, because i didn't get to learn about this person. i didn't get to learn to be affectionate towards this person. the person i loved was just a front. but then you took that down, and expected me to just switch gears. it doesn't work that way.
thats how i feel. and thats why i broke it off.
now, i know that's natural to a certain degree, but.. usually it shouldn't be such a DRASTIC change. so drastic, that when i would be in the presence of you and your friends, i felt slightly uncomfortable because you acted in a way i wasn't used to.
so why is that? why would you act this way, and then the other? which is real? are they both real? then why not be both in front of me?
its something so little, i know, but it makes a big impact. because i felt like i didn't know you anymore. because that's not the person i fell in love with. yes, you're physically you, but your attitude was totally different. that's what began to push me away. what happened? was acting a certain way too much, so that your true colors were finally showing?
then thats not fair to me, because i didn't get to learn about this person. i didn't get to learn to be affectionate towards this person. the person i loved was just a front. but then you took that down, and expected me to just switch gears. it doesn't work that way.
thats how i feel. and thats why i broke it off.
Friday, June 25, 2010
whats the use of making a bed
to present yourself a clear mind?
meh.
what's the use of getting to know someone, when they'll probably run away.
i dare you to stay, but i also dare you not to get bored.
yeah, do that.
that's a terrible task.
because when it gets down to it, done to the core of my being, i'm nothing too interesting.
once you've figured it all out.
there's nothing more to dig through.
you'll hit a wall. the maze tragically ends. the smell of cheese is gone. there's nothing else to interest you in reaching that end.
so why should i make my bed, when there's no one to see it but me?
meh.
what's the use of getting to know someone, when they'll probably run away.
i dare you to stay, but i also dare you not to get bored.
yeah, do that.
that's a terrible task.
because when it gets down to it, done to the core of my being, i'm nothing too interesting.
once you've figured it all out.
there's nothing more to dig through.
you'll hit a wall. the maze tragically ends. the smell of cheese is gone. there's nothing else to interest you in reaching that end.
so why should i make my bed, when there's no one to see it but me?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
fear vs love
so the only thing i really paid attention to in political science today was the niccolo machiavelli quote "it is better to be feared than loved"
well, me being a person that's all about affection, i was reluctant to agree. but then i thought about it.. and i believe it is true.
to be feared is alot more powerful than being loved. that means you are solely in control because it is innate for them to be scared or fearful. you do not have to interact with the person, for them to fear you.
to be loved means that you NEED that other person to give you that attention. so the control is solely by the counterpart, and not yours because they CHOOSE to love you. you cannot make someone love you. however, you can make someone fear you.
so i do agree with that statement.
does that mean i want people to be afraid of me? hmm. well not in the sense that i want to brutally kill them... but in the sense that i am overly intimidating. haha.
im totally intimidated by a lot of people, so......................
yeah.
think of it this way, no matter how much you love someone... in one point of time or another... it greatly impacts you BUT, i think its much easier to remember a time where you were scared shitless for your life--rather than a relationship. hmmmm.. but now that i think of it, with my relationships i was always fearful of the other person. for whatever reasons. sooo, i think fear is everywhere, but love is not. i dont know what the hell i'm saying anymore
i'm going to shut up now.
the end.
well, me being a person that's all about affection, i was reluctant to agree. but then i thought about it.. and i believe it is true.
to be feared is alot more powerful than being loved. that means you are solely in control because it is innate for them to be scared or fearful. you do not have to interact with the person, for them to fear you.
to be loved means that you NEED that other person to give you that attention. so the control is solely by the counterpart, and not yours because they CHOOSE to love you. you cannot make someone love you. however, you can make someone fear you.
so i do agree with that statement.
does that mean i want people to be afraid of me? hmm. well not in the sense that i want to brutally kill them... but in the sense that i am overly intimidating. haha.
im totally intimidated by a lot of people, so......................
yeah.
think of it this way, no matter how much you love someone... in one point of time or another... it greatly impacts you BUT, i think its much easier to remember a time where you were scared shitless for your life--rather than a relationship. hmmmm.. but now that i think of it, with my relationships i was always fearful of the other person. for whatever reasons. sooo, i think fear is everywhere, but love is not. i dont know what the hell i'm saying anymore
i'm going to shut up now.
the end.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
who knew.
so this girl is sad because she thinks she lost my attention.
well, there probably is truth to that, but she didn't do much to try and keep it there anyway.
i'm not going to waste time chasing people--especially because im going back to school, don't have time for that shit. again, that doesn't mean i don't want to get to know people. there's a HUGE difference.
i just think its funny how one day she was totally like omg be my girlfriend, and then after that, she didn't really bother to say much haha.
plus, blatantly saying "you're going to be my gf" without really getting to know me, is a huge turn OFF. like, i get it, you're pretty, you're confident in yourself, but.. so what? i've dealt with pretty people, and they're SO boring--or just act REALLY stupid because they think they're immune to everything (am i the only one noticing this trend?).
once i get used to your face, there's not so much to appeal after that. unless you have an amazing personality... but there's just something about girls who hugely rely on their beauty tending to forget that. and it's pretty annoying. i mean, i could work on a girl and try and make herself better.. buttttttttt im fucking LAZY. (besides, if they wanted to truly be a better person, they'd do it themselves. pretty damn positive thats the way it works)
either that, or all they want is sex.
*shrug*
who knows what the hell is in store for me.
i dont know where i'm going with this.
but all i want right now is a cigarette.
OH, one more thing. i kinda hate it when people act like being single is the worst thing ever.
like, cmon. you can't live your life tethered to someone's hip. that was me the last 2 years, and i totally LOST myself. and shit went down the drain.
this just could be me ranting because i'm not ready for some big commitment again.
that's my imperfection right now though. because i know if i get into a relationship THIS INSTANCE, i will fuck it up. not by cheating or anything like that. but by doing the exact same shit i did with amber. lose myself. become that person's bitch.
so. i'm just being me.
and i don't want to deal with you if you're gonna be sad that i didn't talk to you for X amount of days.
the end.
well, there probably is truth to that, but she didn't do much to try and keep it there anyway.
i'm not going to waste time chasing people--especially because im going back to school, don't have time for that shit. again, that doesn't mean i don't want to get to know people. there's a HUGE difference.
i just think its funny how one day she was totally like omg be my girlfriend, and then after that, she didn't really bother to say much haha.
plus, blatantly saying "you're going to be my gf" without really getting to know me, is a huge turn OFF. like, i get it, you're pretty, you're confident in yourself, but.. so what? i've dealt with pretty people, and they're SO boring--or just act REALLY stupid because they think they're immune to everything (am i the only one noticing this trend?).
once i get used to your face, there's not so much to appeal after that. unless you have an amazing personality... but there's just something about girls who hugely rely on their beauty tending to forget that. and it's pretty annoying. i mean, i could work on a girl and try and make herself better.. buttttttttt im fucking LAZY. (besides, if they wanted to truly be a better person, they'd do it themselves. pretty damn positive thats the way it works)
either that, or all they want is sex.
*shrug*
who knows what the hell is in store for me.
i dont know where i'm going with this.
but all i want right now is a cigarette.
OH, one more thing. i kinda hate it when people act like being single is the worst thing ever.
like, cmon. you can't live your life tethered to someone's hip. that was me the last 2 years, and i totally LOST myself. and shit went down the drain.
this just could be me ranting because i'm not ready for some big commitment again.
that's my imperfection right now though. because i know if i get into a relationship THIS INSTANCE, i will fuck it up. not by cheating or anything like that. but by doing the exact same shit i did with amber. lose myself. become that person's bitch.
so. i'm just being me.
and i don't want to deal with you if you're gonna be sad that i didn't talk to you for X amount of days.
the end.
rifle tits
EDIT.
officially, 51 days til i see her. will probably be the best day of my life?
that is, until we have sex. hahahahahaha.
an old poem
i found this on my deviantArt page, i totally forgot about it. i don't even remember who i wrote this for? apparently written in November 2005.
I wish i could tell you you're beautiful
I wish i could tell you you're beautiful
my hair cascades my eyes
to hide my imperfections
my shy ways block my true passions
my spirit is the wind
and i pass you by and then
glance back
and sigh.
i'm the reason why you shiver
in the cold streets
lonesome.
i'm the one cloud in the sky
blocking the sun.
your warmth is transparent
yet clearer than day
and shine so bright.
i wrap myself around you
as the cold wind hugs your frame
and you feel lost.
your flame has blown out
and i still worship you.
don't worry my dear
the sun will drown into the horizon
as well
and the essence will overflow you
with the pink light blushing your cheeks
and you will hear my last words
echo with sweetness.
moar
still have yet to get pics from santa maria trip.
good times.
however, i will not let myself sulk because school starts tomorrow.
i think the celica is ready to be driven though?
watch them steal that shit again. =
hm
since i don't feel like writing much today, i will showcase pictures that i have stolen from other people's cameras =]
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
eternally in the "Friend's" zone
hahahaha, sorry I just have to laugh at myself for a second... okay. Well I doubt anyone will read this, but I just feel like writing. It’ll probably be very long.
Don’t you have that one friend in life that you've just always stuck around with?
I’m kind of in that situation. I met this girl when I was a freshman in high school through a mutual friend after admiring from afar. (Yes, one of THOSE situations...). It was an INSTANT attraction. Just something about her, made me want to get to know her. I wasn't quite sure in which way, but those newly aware teen hormones were acting up... so probably in a way that (at that point in my life) I have never known anyone.
So the epic tale starts with little freshman me at an event, and I see her--this short edgy girl, with short black hair parading around. I tell my friend (who was a senior) that I think she's SUPER hot. Little did I know that they were best friends in elementary school. And so, he proceeds to call her over. I glare at him, like omg wtf, oh shit.
He grabs her attention, and immediately comes over, and sits right next to me. They proceed to catch up with each other. Anyways, I found out she was a keyboard player for a metal band, but she was talking to him (though I was sitting in between them) and not directly to me. However, I chimed in anyway and said oh shit, I play piano. Or something like that. I don't know exactly what I said; I just remember that anything that came out of my mouth that night was probably stupid. And whenever I would say something it didn’t help that she kind of just glared at me. I couldn't help it, I was so intimidated. I was this shy, quiet, little freshman girl. And she was this gorgeous, sly senior. And she was sitting RIGHT next to me. So I just kind of looked forward, trying not to stare at her, and trying not to just look at my friend. And I just tried to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the night.
WELL, that night ended. And then I figured out that my best friend also met a girl that she thought was SUPER hot, and started coming to our steel drum band's practices. And guess who it was? Super hot edgy girl! But I’ll address her as Honey D.
So Honey D recognized me when I finally showed up to a practice that I was able to make. She kind of smirked at me, and I melted. I muttered a "hi", or something, who knows. We had sort of chatted on aim before that day of practice, so by this time I knew that she was bisexual and single. So during breaks at practice, I would be at my drum looking over my music, and she would walk over to me and play with my hair. The power this girl had on me! Eventually she knew I had my crush on her, and wanted to go out on a date with me.
However, our schedules clashed horribly. And that never happened. Honey D went on to have her boyfriends and what not, and I continued to just kick myself in the head.
We still talked on aim every now and then. She hit me up again maybe a year or two later. We were both single and it was nearing Halloween. So she asked me if I wanted to go out with her for the night. We held hands. We got ourselves a bunch of candy. I stole a tombstone and a sword for her. She proceeded to smack my ass with that sword. There was no kiss. But it was still a fun night for me. However, things after that, though I may have gotten close.. nothing ever happened.
So I moved on, met a new girl, which I eventually had a two year relationship with. Honey D met herself a new guy, and they seemed to have a good thing going on as well, except he lived in New York. So I get an invitation one day from Honey D, saying that it’s her farewell party because she was moving to NY, and that I should come and bring my girlfriend with me. I wanted to go, but my gf wasn’t feeling it, so I didn’t have a chance to give a proper goodbye.
Anyways, fast forward to today. Honey D is still in New York, and I’m still here in California. Honey D broke up with the boyfriend (I helped her through that), and I broke up with my girlfriend (she helped me through that). We’ve managed to become really great friends again. We bonded over our obsession with Lady Gaga over the last year. Anyways, Honey D is one of the hardest working people I know. She works 60+ hours a week, so she’s definitely a hustler, always has been, always will. That’s what I love about her. She’s also trying to make a name for herself in the music business.
And that’s where I come into the picture again. She knows I have a creative bone in my body, so I’ve become one of her personal assistants and her art director. She just wants me out there to live with (because it’s kind of hard to be a personal assistant while being on opposite coasts), so that I can physically push her to perform on a stage, and pull up girls for Honey D to violate on stage.
Well, I’m eternally in the “friend’s” zone with this girl—but that's okay. We're going to help each other dominate the world. I hope the world is ready for you Honey D.
Don’t you have that one friend in life that you've just always stuck around with?
I’m kind of in that situation. I met this girl when I was a freshman in high school through a mutual friend after admiring from afar. (Yes, one of THOSE situations...). It was an INSTANT attraction. Just something about her, made me want to get to know her. I wasn't quite sure in which way, but those newly aware teen hormones were acting up... so probably in a way that (at that point in my life) I have never known anyone.
So the epic tale starts with little freshman me at an event, and I see her--this short edgy girl, with short black hair parading around. I tell my friend (who was a senior) that I think she's SUPER hot. Little did I know that they were best friends in elementary school. And so, he proceeds to call her over. I glare at him, like omg wtf, oh shit.
He grabs her attention, and immediately comes over, and sits right next to me. They proceed to catch up with each other. Anyways, I found out she was a keyboard player for a metal band, but she was talking to him (though I was sitting in between them) and not directly to me. However, I chimed in anyway and said oh shit, I play piano. Or something like that. I don't know exactly what I said; I just remember that anything that came out of my mouth that night was probably stupid. And whenever I would say something it didn’t help that she kind of just glared at me. I couldn't help it, I was so intimidated. I was this shy, quiet, little freshman girl. And she was this gorgeous, sly senior. And she was sitting RIGHT next to me. So I just kind of looked forward, trying not to stare at her, and trying not to just look at my friend. And I just tried to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the night.
WELL, that night ended. And then I figured out that my best friend also met a girl that she thought was SUPER hot, and started coming to our steel drum band's practices. And guess who it was? Super hot edgy girl! But I’ll address her as Honey D.
So Honey D recognized me when I finally showed up to a practice that I was able to make. She kind of smirked at me, and I melted. I muttered a "hi", or something, who knows. We had sort of chatted on aim before that day of practice, so by this time I knew that she was bisexual and single. So during breaks at practice, I would be at my drum looking over my music, and she would walk over to me and play with my hair. The power this girl had on me! Eventually she knew I had my crush on her, and wanted to go out on a date with me.
However, our schedules clashed horribly. And that never happened. Honey D went on to have her boyfriends and what not, and I continued to just kick myself in the head.
We still talked on aim every now and then. She hit me up again maybe a year or two later. We were both single and it was nearing Halloween. So she asked me if I wanted to go out with her for the night. We held hands. We got ourselves a bunch of candy. I stole a tombstone and a sword for her. She proceeded to smack my ass with that sword. There was no kiss. But it was still a fun night for me. However, things after that, though I may have gotten close.. nothing ever happened.
So I moved on, met a new girl, which I eventually had a two year relationship with. Honey D met herself a new guy, and they seemed to have a good thing going on as well, except he lived in New York. So I get an invitation one day from Honey D, saying that it’s her farewell party because she was moving to NY, and that I should come and bring my girlfriend with me. I wanted to go, but my gf wasn’t feeling it, so I didn’t have a chance to give a proper goodbye.
Anyways, fast forward to today. Honey D is still in New York, and I’m still here in California. Honey D broke up with the boyfriend (I helped her through that), and I broke up with my girlfriend (she helped me through that). We’ve managed to become really great friends again. We bonded over our obsession with Lady Gaga over the last year. Anyways, Honey D is one of the hardest working people I know. She works 60+ hours a week, so she’s definitely a hustler, always has been, always will. That’s what I love about her. She’s also trying to make a name for herself in the music business.
And that’s where I come into the picture again. She knows I have a creative bone in my body, so I’ve become one of her personal assistants and her art director. She just wants me out there to live with (because it’s kind of hard to be a personal assistant while being on opposite coasts), so that I can physically push her to perform on a stage, and pull up girls for Honey D to violate on stage.
Well, I’m eternally in the “friend’s” zone with this girl—but that's okay. We're going to help each other dominate the world. I hope the world is ready for you Honey D.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
sometimes i wonder..
sometimes i wonder..
if you're just a part of my imagination.
i've been through this exact feeling before,
and i feel very reluctant about stepping forward.
i've made reckless decisions in the past that have given me bursts of happiness, but after time, the magic always fades. things really weren't what they seemed to be.
i have this wall up, but every now and then i peek out.
i stare you down, to really understand you. to just try and see if you are what you say you are.
i can't tell... after all, why would you talk to me? *shrug*
but there's a definite attraction. and it's more than just looks.
yes, at first, that is what pulled me in.
i am just lost for words though.
part of me, just wants to not deal with this bullshit, and not even give a damn.
i'm supposed to be focusing on me...
but everyday, i want to talk to you.
oh, lynn. you make things more than they are, and worry for no reason. get over it.
thank you, conscience. that's all i needed to hear..
if you're just a part of my imagination.
i've been through this exact feeling before,
and i feel very reluctant about stepping forward.
i've made reckless decisions in the past that have given me bursts of happiness, but after time, the magic always fades. things really weren't what they seemed to be.
i have this wall up, but every now and then i peek out.
i stare you down, to really understand you. to just try and see if you are what you say you are.
i can't tell... after all, why would you talk to me? *shrug*
but there's a definite attraction. and it's more than just looks.
yes, at first, that is what pulled me in.
i am just lost for words though.
part of me, just wants to not deal with this bullshit, and not even give a damn.
i'm supposed to be focusing on me...
but everyday, i want to talk to you.
oh, lynn. you make things more than they are, and worry for no reason. get over it.
thank you, conscience. that's all i needed to hear..
Thursday, May 27, 2010
guard.
there's a wall now. i refuse. i felt fine. i'll keep appearing that way. but now, i just can't trust anyone.
humanity, i would love to get in a ring with you, and just give you my all.
really, just thank you. why do you make me question all my relationships. why do you make me wonder if they were genuine?
humanity, just punch me. just knock me out. you've done it before. just do it one last time.
inside, there's just too much. i can't bear it to anybody. i can't trust you. nobody. it's not like anyone can do anything. we all have our shit. we all have our problems. we're all preoccupied.
chasing people. not worth it.
wanting people. not worth it.
inside, i will remain pessimistic.
but i will keep a front, so that nobody bugs me. nobody asks stupid questions that don't want to be answered.
don't pry and try to figure me out.
just let me live this life.
i patiently wait for the end.
humanity, i would love to get in a ring with you, and just give you my all.
really, just thank you. why do you make me question all my relationships. why do you make me wonder if they were genuine?
humanity, just punch me. just knock me out. you've done it before. just do it one last time.
inside, there's just too much. i can't bear it to anybody. i can't trust you. nobody. it's not like anyone can do anything. we all have our shit. we all have our problems. we're all preoccupied.
chasing people. not worth it.
wanting people. not worth it.
inside, i will remain pessimistic.
but i will keep a front, so that nobody bugs me. nobody asks stupid questions that don't want to be answered.
don't pry and try to figure me out.
just let me live this life.
i patiently wait for the end.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Me
ugh i want to go to weho!
FAB
me too, damn i need a man soooo bad
Me
hahaha
i just want something FUN
if thats a person, fine
if thats alcohol, im all for it
FAB
ignore my seeming desperation and associate it as me joking
Me
if its dancing, yes please
i want to kiss somebody actually
kissing is fun
so is cuddling
i want to cuddle
FAB
i want someone to surprise me with something cute
Me
what justifies as cute
like a cupcake?
FAB
just a gesture i would appreciate
Me
a lap dance
hahahaha
im kidding
_____________________________________________________________________
Me
i think all i need is a cute person
to just stare at
FAB
i want that but i do need a lot more
Me
yeah..
i want to be a really cute chic girl, that everybody just finds so fascinating
FAB
i want a nonthreatning hipster boy who is really sweet but also very witty, and appreciates my sense of culture and humor
Me
hahaha i just want to be amazing. right now i just want to say fuck people, except for friends of course
ugh i want to go to weho!
FAB
me too, damn i need a man soooo bad
Me
hahaha
i just want something FUN
if thats a person, fine
if thats alcohol, im all for it
FAB
ignore my seeming desperation and associate it as me joking
Me
if its dancing, yes please
i want to kiss somebody actually
kissing is fun
so is cuddling
i want to cuddle
FAB
i want someone to surprise me with something cute
Me
what justifies as cute
like a cupcake?
FAB
just a gesture i would appreciate
Me
a lap dance
hahahaha
im kidding
_____________________________________________________________________
Me
i think all i need is a cute person
to just stare at
FAB
i want that but i do need a lot more
Me
yeah..
i want to be a really cute chic girl, that everybody just finds so fascinating
FAB
i want a nonthreatning hipster boy who is really sweet but also very witty, and appreciates my sense of culture and humor
Me
hahaha i just want to be amazing. right now i just want to say fuck people, except for friends of course
converse, rehearse.
FAB
i think it all comes out with a nice smoke
Me
haha what do you mean
FAB
it makes me feel introspective and reveal things about my life
Me
oh yes, i agree
haha i feel like eveytime i smoke, i should be filmed in black and white
i just stare in the camera
glare immensely
and then say random things that make me wise
and everybody falls in love with me
kind of like a factory girl.
FAB
yes and a raspy voice narrates the troubles of my life
Me
yes yes yes
Sunday, May 16, 2010
pride 2010
i finally went to pride. i really wanted to go last year, when i was with amber, but that didnt work out cuz we were broke.
but this year, i got to go with friends. it's interesting. im really tired right now. so maybe i'll update about that tomorrow.
but this year, i got to go with friends. it's interesting. im really tired right now. so maybe i'll update about that tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
transient
the truth is, i've been trying so hard to detach myself from you. and for the past few weeks, i thought i had a grip on that.
i still know where i stand, and i know i am not going to put up with it.
it's just the fact that after these years, after everything.. EVERYTHING.. i can't believe that i don't see anything positive in you. well, not necessarily all true, but the negatives greatly outweigh the positives.
i guess for too long, i've let myself tip the balance in your favor. but i can't. when i let it go, it horrifies me with the truth it speaks.
i try not to think about you, but you're everywhere.
i try not to talk about you, but everyone asks me about you.
i cant even listen to certain songs anymore. and now you're trying to make music.
i hate the power that you have over me. i hate that i still care for you, and probably always will. but i hate that after all i've done, after i can't help you any longer.. that me leaving you, wasn't enough spark to get you walking in the right direction.
i don't want us. that's not my goal anymore. we had us. i want you, to be a better you. there's no other way for me to say it. and i can't say it in a way that you'd want to hear.
what did you gain from me? what was the purpose of me? what was the purpose of our relationship? why did you stray if i meant so much? why risk that?
of course i don't forget. i only forgot because you needed someone. you needed to know someone that truly cares. someone who wouldn't leave you behind. you needed support, and i bent over backwards over and over.
and even when i finally detached myself from you. you're still there.
so i hope you're happy. you wanted someone you can control. i was your bitch. i thought the love i had for you, and the love i thought you had for me would mask it.
what we had was great. but something went wrong.
i can't anymore. i just can't.
i still know where i stand, and i know i am not going to put up with it.
it's just the fact that after these years, after everything.. EVERYTHING.. i can't believe that i don't see anything positive in you. well, not necessarily all true, but the negatives greatly outweigh the positives.
i guess for too long, i've let myself tip the balance in your favor. but i can't. when i let it go, it horrifies me with the truth it speaks.
i try not to think about you, but you're everywhere.
i try not to talk about you, but everyone asks me about you.
i cant even listen to certain songs anymore. and now you're trying to make music.
i hate the power that you have over me. i hate that i still care for you, and probably always will. but i hate that after all i've done, after i can't help you any longer.. that me leaving you, wasn't enough spark to get you walking in the right direction.
i don't want us. that's not my goal anymore. we had us. i want you, to be a better you. there's no other way for me to say it. and i can't say it in a way that you'd want to hear.
what did you gain from me? what was the purpose of me? what was the purpose of our relationship? why did you stray if i meant so much? why risk that?
of course i don't forget. i only forgot because you needed someone. you needed to know someone that truly cares. someone who wouldn't leave you behind. you needed support, and i bent over backwards over and over.
and even when i finally detached myself from you. you're still there.
so i hope you're happy. you wanted someone you can control. i was your bitch. i thought the love i had for you, and the love i thought you had for me would mask it.
what we had was great. but something went wrong.
i can't anymore. i just can't.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
my night, what the hell happened?
well today is st patricks day. i have nothing exciting to say. except that i had to meet amber's mom today. awkward yes, indeed.
well, i SHOULD be working on a research paper. but this house proves to be too noisy for my concentration, and i probably won't work on it until everybody sleeps.
yesterday was the hottest day ever.
yesterday was the first time i tried jager.
yes, it does taste like black licorice. yes, it goes down smoother than vodka. yes, i still drank it.
i felt good, to be honest. i haven't felt that happy in a while. to be with friends and just have everyone be happy. nothing to worry about. just to escape for a few hours. it was liberating. i barely remember what i talked about. but apparently i was pretty loud and touchy-feely. but i guess, who isn't a bit different after helping kill a newly opened bottle of jager that had been in the freezer since november? ..yeah, exactly.
no, i didn't pass out. no, my clothes didn't come off. just my sweater because i was sooo damn warm. and the a/c was on. and it was night already. i have tiny burns on my hand though, i probably fucked up with a cigarette. im glad honey d bailed me out before i got any worse. THEN, who knows what couldve happened. i wouldn't have been able to drive home that is. well, maybe.. it's not like we had much to drink anyway. except neither of us had eaten ANYTHING. except for maybe a few cookies.
those cookies didn't help later, now that i think about it. because we eventually were pretty hungry. and it was so dry. bleh.
i wish i could've lived that night just a little longer. oh well. til another time. doubt that'll be my birthday, but im glad i got some form of inebriation.
well, i SHOULD be working on a research paper. but this house proves to be too noisy for my concentration, and i probably won't work on it until everybody sleeps.
yesterday was the hottest day ever.
yesterday was the first time i tried jager.
yes, it does taste like black licorice. yes, it goes down smoother than vodka. yes, i still drank it.
i felt good, to be honest. i haven't felt that happy in a while. to be with friends and just have everyone be happy. nothing to worry about. just to escape for a few hours. it was liberating. i barely remember what i talked about. but apparently i was pretty loud and touchy-feely. but i guess, who isn't a bit different after helping kill a newly opened bottle of jager that had been in the freezer since november? ..yeah, exactly.
no, i didn't pass out. no, my clothes didn't come off. just my sweater because i was sooo damn warm. and the a/c was on. and it was night already. i have tiny burns on my hand though, i probably fucked up with a cigarette. im glad honey d bailed me out before i got any worse. THEN, who knows what couldve happened. i wouldn't have been able to drive home that is. well, maybe.. it's not like we had much to drink anyway. except neither of us had eaten ANYTHING. except for maybe a few cookies.
those cookies didn't help later, now that i think about it. because we eventually were pretty hungry. and it was so dry. bleh.
i wish i could've lived that night just a little longer. oh well. til another time. doubt that'll be my birthday, but im glad i got some form of inebriation.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
bunnies
i made two bunny friends yesterday.
one was little--not a baby, but not an adult-- it was sooooo cute. it let me hold it. sometimes. apparently skyflakes are part of a bunny diet. i wanted to steal it. it sniffed my bag, and i was like yesss, you know you want to come with me.
then i went to feed the big ones. they're fat and squishy.
the end.
one was little--not a baby, but not an adult-- it was sooooo cute. it let me hold it. sometimes. apparently skyflakes are part of a bunny diet. i wanted to steal it. it sniffed my bag, and i was like yesss, you know you want to come with me.
then i went to feed the big ones. they're fat and squishy.
the end.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
a month
how is it march already? what the fuck?
20 in a month. if only it were to be 21. i'd leave.
i had a rather disturbing dream a few days ago. i don't want to talk about it.
come to think of it. i don't want to talk about a lot of things.
20 in a month. if only it were to be 21. i'd leave.
i had a rather disturbing dream a few days ago. i don't want to talk about it.
come to think of it. i don't want to talk about a lot of things.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
cafe world
has taken over my life.
i should be productive and spend this time for homework. or maybe just writing. or playing piano. or anything, really.
sigh
edit/edit/edit/edit
okay, this post is lame, so i'm going to fatten it up. like butter on bread. anyways.
I feel like I should expand more on what I think about the internet. Ingenuity, yes, but its slowly killing us. It ages the young and innocent. It bares all without censorship. It creates a faulty utopia. It breaks love without being found.
We think we have control of it. But rather, it has its hand on us. We are ruled by this digital world. We are trapped in a different dimension. We can't even talk to the person standing in front of us without stopping to answer a text message.
Yes, we are so advanced digitally, but now we lack reality. We go crazy without a cell phone. A little piece of us dies when our computers crash, or the server is down. The world has come so far, that now we're broadening the spaces between us. We don't have to interact like we used to. We don't have to talk on the phone like we used to. We just type.
And here I am. Using the internet. Living in this faulty utopia. I have been scathed by it. I have been lost within it. I have been toyed within it. I am probably being exploited as well. I have made DUMB decisions with something so simple. I used to have high hopes for you, Internet. But you've fucked me over.
i should be productive and spend this time for homework. or maybe just writing. or playing piano. or anything, really.
sigh
edit/edit/edit/edit
okay, this post is lame, so i'm going to fatten it up. like butter on bread. anyways.
I feel like I should expand more on what I think about the internet. Ingenuity, yes, but its slowly killing us. It ages the young and innocent. It bares all without censorship. It creates a faulty utopia. It breaks love without being found.
We think we have control of it. But rather, it has its hand on us. We are ruled by this digital world. We are trapped in a different dimension. We can't even talk to the person standing in front of us without stopping to answer a text message.
Yes, we are so advanced digitally, but now we lack reality. We go crazy without a cell phone. A little piece of us dies when our computers crash, or the server is down. The world has come so far, that now we're broadening the spaces between us. We don't have to interact like we used to. We don't have to talk on the phone like we used to. We just type.
And here I am. Using the internet. Living in this faulty utopia. I have been scathed by it. I have been lost within it. I have been toyed within it. I am probably being exploited as well. I have made DUMB decisions with something so simple. I used to have high hopes for you, Internet. But you've fucked me over.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
i've been stuck in thought
what is with all the existentialism? what provoked all this?
why do i want to get rid of it all?
why this, why that, why why
sometimes being left to myself is not the best thing.
i remember vividly the conversations that i can have in my head.
i start to question EVERYTHING.
it really is not good. i don't want to slip into that again. i'm trying.
i was close to just fucking up the day with a session of good stuff. gladly, i was wise not to give in. gladly, something came up, and kept me from doing that. im proud to say that i got my rough draft done. it's not exactly half assed, it's not perfect, but thats what the rough drafts are for. 4 hours for 2 pages? i'm horrible at this.
although i just ended up going home today instead of hanging out... i still wanted to be around people, around friends. to just not think for a while. that's what i need. a vacation from my mind. i think thats what pot does for me. it gives me a vacation. its a bit selfish, its a bit dumb, but its a bit amazing with the wonders it does. i say that very carefully, not to come off as some pothead. i mean, what defines a pothead anyway? someone who's always stoned, lazy, eats too much, does too little, laughs too much? no.. that's not me.. well maybe not all the time at least. there's so many negative connotations with this drug, i think its pretty funny. but in reality, everyone's had some sort of interaction with it. whatever. if anything, i treat marijuana just like i treat alcohol. responsibly. thats all that matters in the end, right? doing something responsibly. not doing stupid shit. not endangering others, and whatnot.
ugh, im just on edge, and im freakin tired of it. everything is pushing me just a bit more and more than it should.
i wonder what if i just left. lived somewhere else. started a new life. that wouldn't solve any of the problems, i know, but what if? who would i become? will the same problem arise? will the conflicted conscience make the move counterproductive? will i ever be sane? will i.. will i..
will i be left to do what i want? or am i so far gone that there isn't anything i can do?
you see, this has been happening all weekend. question after question. minutes of headache. sulk. laziness. and then a need for distraction.
STUCK.
why do i want to get rid of it all?
why this, why that, why why
sometimes being left to myself is not the best thing.
i remember vividly the conversations that i can have in my head.
i start to question EVERYTHING.
it really is not good. i don't want to slip into that again. i'm trying.
i was close to just fucking up the day with a session of good stuff. gladly, i was wise not to give in. gladly, something came up, and kept me from doing that. im proud to say that i got my rough draft done. it's not exactly half assed, it's not perfect, but thats what the rough drafts are for. 4 hours for 2 pages? i'm horrible at this.
although i just ended up going home today instead of hanging out... i still wanted to be around people, around friends. to just not think for a while. that's what i need. a vacation from my mind. i think thats what pot does for me. it gives me a vacation. its a bit selfish, its a bit dumb, but its a bit amazing with the wonders it does. i say that very carefully, not to come off as some pothead. i mean, what defines a pothead anyway? someone who's always stoned, lazy, eats too much, does too little, laughs too much? no.. that's not me.. well maybe not all the time at least. there's so many negative connotations with this drug, i think its pretty funny. but in reality, everyone's had some sort of interaction with it. whatever. if anything, i treat marijuana just like i treat alcohol. responsibly. thats all that matters in the end, right? doing something responsibly. not doing stupid shit. not endangering others, and whatnot.
ugh, im just on edge, and im freakin tired of it. everything is pushing me just a bit more and more than it should.
i wonder what if i just left. lived somewhere else. started a new life. that wouldn't solve any of the problems, i know, but what if? who would i become? will the same problem arise? will the conflicted conscience make the move counterproductive? will i ever be sane? will i.. will i..
will i be left to do what i want? or am i so far gone that there isn't anything i can do?
you see, this has been happening all weekend. question after question. minutes of headache. sulk. laziness. and then a need for distraction.
STUCK.
sad reality
i can never be myself here.
i can never be me in front of you
never be in love, in front of you
only can i hide it
put on a mask for you
submerge my true self for you
drown my life, for you
just to be happy
is to kill myself.
i can't exist
without you being sad.
-to my parents.
*sigh
so what's the solution? obviously, i can't end it. life that is. i can't end what i really am. i can't keep hiding it. my mind is tortured enough with the past. my mind can't handle my split personas. sure, its used to it, but i just know that i'll lose myself in entirety. so is my existence defined by my two selves? can i exist just with one or the other? one is comfortable, its what i've lived forever, but its a lie. the other is a risk. i risk everything previous to it.
what does it mean to exist, what IS the point of existence when its only defined by opposition? existence is conflict. drama. heartbreak.
i can never be me in front of you
never be in love, in front of you
only can i hide it
put on a mask for you
submerge my true self for you
drown my life, for you
just to be happy
is to kill myself.
i can't exist
without you being sad.
-to my parents.
*sigh
so what's the solution? obviously, i can't end it. life that is. i can't end what i really am. i can't keep hiding it. my mind is tortured enough with the past. my mind can't handle my split personas. sure, its used to it, but i just know that i'll lose myself in entirety. so is my existence defined by my two selves? can i exist just with one or the other? one is comfortable, its what i've lived forever, but its a lie. the other is a risk. i risk everything previous to it.
what does it mean to exist, what IS the point of existence when its only defined by opposition? existence is conflict. drama. heartbreak.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
first bike ride
No, sadly, it isn't mine. Yet.So yesterday I was bored while Amber was at work, so I called up my friend Johnny who owns tons of bikes, and see if he wanted to hang out. He's the lucky bastard that owns that beautiful masi bike, so I wanted to see it for myself. I forgot to take a picture of it, but it pretty much looks exactly like the picture in the other post, except it is red where it is white on the picture, and it had a better seat. I was so jealous. I wanted to ride it, but it was too big for me. This guy's like 6' so yeah, that's not going to work. I marveled at its glory, and then he said he'd show me the little bike which was tucked away in the car because they went fishing at Lake Paris just the other day. I swear man, this guy has an interesting life. He's supposed to go camping today.
Anyways, I helped him take all the crap out of the car, while he took the boat off of the roof. And there it was, the little bike. Schwinn Traveler. So he put on the wheels, and there it was right before me--finally a bike that didn't look too big for me. Don't know how many gears, I couldn't even really figure out how to use the gears haha. Sad. First ride was a bit uncomfortable, the seat was a bit off, almost fell, but didn't--glad I didn't, how embarrassing would that be. He adjusted that problem. So yeah, btw Johnny's a huge pothead, so this is where the bike ride comes in. He wanted to go ride to his friends place because his friend wanted to buy some weed. So I was like yeah okay sure, just let me get comfortable riding the bike. So he went in to go change while I rode around the neighborhood.
Yeah, we rode around CSULB. He tried to bust a fixie trick, but failed. Of course the bike I was riding wasn't fixed, so I just watched him fail. First stop was at his friend Antonio's, first time meeting the guy. Johnny needed his air pump for his back tire. Oh yeah, he (Johnny) talked about how he randomly met this other rider, who apparently is a photographer for some magazine, and said that he's going on a bike ride (today) with them and take pictures. So he put more air in, and we left to go to Brenden's (also a guy whom I just met that day, and the guy that really wanted to get the herb).
Met Brenden. He's a 6' + tall asian guy. Kind of threw me off. Met his mom, Vanessa. Then met his dad, don't know his name... but I know that he does tattoos, and needs hours to put in--so maybe I'll have this guy do my first tattoo. I didn't get to see his work though. While Johnny was putting the bikes in the back, his back tire popped. Yeah, the one that he decided to put more air in. That blows. haha. literally.
So yeah, then we left the house in Brenden's car. He went to the atm to get some money, while Johnny looked for a hook up. We killed time in Border's. They played Magic (you know, that game) and I read dirty, politically incorrect sex jokes, that were more stupid, than funny. So I ended up flipping through the FAILnation book. No reading, just pictures of fail. Such as a street named, "Golden Rain" hahaha.
Anyway, after that finally got in contact with our person. Drove to Walgreen's, but on the way there Johnny blasted "Party In The USA" while we drove down Lakewood blvd .. I'm glad to say that this was the only time I've ever heard this song in entirety--ONLY because I was forced to. That was horrible. But funny nonetheless. Yeah by this time, I wasn't really feeling like getting stoned, especially because I had to pick up Amber in a few hours. They were planning on getting real fucked up too. He bought an 8th and planned on smoking most of it. Dude.. why would you waste your money like that in one day? I'd make that shit last.
But yeah, so they went back to Johnny's place to pick up Bruce, the guy he lives with. Met Bruce, but said I had to get going. I didn't really have to go, and it wasn't that I didn't want to smoke, I mean, I never turn that stuff down really, I don't mind it at all.. but not when I have to drive. Plus, didn't want it to get to a point where they were too stoned to drive me back to my car, and have Amber be pissed that I couldn't pick her up in time. So I said I'd hang out with them next time for sure. Bruce offered the camping trip, and while that could be fun, I don't have parents that would let me go on a weekend trip with only boys. Hahaha.
So yeah, then I drove off to Carson. Parked in Anderson Park because Amber works at DHL just down Wilmington. Took a nap, and waited for her to call me.
Fun day. She got her check, we had some taco bell. She had four taco supremes with extra cheese. hahaha damn. i just had a chicken burrito haha. Dropped her off, then came home.
Btw, r.i.p. lee mcqueen. you were too brilliant to just leave like that. and r.i.p. to the georgian luger that died in practice. and sorry that the olympics and newspeople didn't practice discretion with overplaying the clip. =\
On a better note. I've been reading this webcomic every single day since tuesday. A friend posted a link to it, and I love it. Questionable Content You don't exactly have to read it from the beginning. At first I started at the very recent one, and read the previous. But then decided to start from the veeeeeeery beginning. And it goes by pretty fast, because its so funny. I'm on #425 right now.
But yeah.. I need to get to work now. What a long post.
OH, and the bike. He said he'd sell it normally for 200, but for me, I can get it for 130. So I need to scrounge up some moneyyyyyy
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
i died a little
this, this right here. this is a masi speciale fixed ltd drop. i love everything about it. the color scheme. the drop bars. over all clean look. and one of my friends, lucky bastard, has one.
damn you. damn you.
if only i had a grand.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
you just don't get it
you don't. you don't get me. you don't understand me AT ALL. and you should. you really should.
here i am, bought something that i know you'd like, and waiting to surprise you with it... but now all i can think about is just throwing it at all wall.
why do we make each other angry.
here i am, bought something that i know you'd like, and waiting to surprise you with it... but now all i can think about is just throwing it at all wall.
why do we make each other angry.
Monday, January 11, 2010
tired?
why has it become so dull.
maybe things just dont transfer well over the phone.
does this make you crazy, like it does me?
silence.
tiredness.
awkward.
distance
and more.
i know we both want it better.
but what we want to change, is different.
maybe things just dont transfer well over the phone.
does this make you crazy, like it does me?
silence.
tiredness.
awkward.
distance
and more.
i know we both want it better.
but what we want to change, is different.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
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