i've been stuck in thought

what is with all the existentialism? what provoked all this?
why do i want to get rid of it all?
why this, why that, why why

sometimes being left to myself is not the best thing.
i remember vividly the conversations that i can have in my head.
i start to question EVERYTHING.
it really is not good. i don't want to slip into that again. i'm trying.

i was close to just fucking up the day with a session of good stuff. gladly, i was wise not to give in. gladly, something came up, and kept me from doing that. im proud to say that i got my rough draft done. it's not exactly half assed, it's not perfect, but thats what the rough drafts are for. 4 hours for 2 pages? i'm horrible at this.

although i just ended up going home today instead of hanging out... i still wanted to be around people, around friends. to just not think for a while. that's what i need. a vacation from my mind. i think thats what pot does for me. it gives me a vacation. its a bit selfish, its a bit dumb, but its a bit amazing with the wonders it does. i say that very carefully, not to come off as some pothead. i mean, what defines a pothead anyway? someone who's always stoned, lazy, eats too much, does too little, laughs too much? no.. that's not me.. well maybe not all the time at least. there's so many negative connotations with this drug, i think its pretty funny. but in reality, everyone's had some sort of interaction with it. whatever. if anything, i treat marijuana just like i treat alcohol. responsibly. thats all that matters in the end, right? doing something responsibly. not doing stupid shit. not endangering others, and whatnot.

ugh, im just on edge, and im freakin tired of it. everything is pushing me just a bit more and more than it should.


i wonder what if i just left. lived somewhere else. started a new life. that wouldn't solve any of the problems, i know, but what if? who would i become? will the same problem arise? will the conflicted conscience make the move counterproductive? will i ever be sane? will i.. will i..

will i be left to do what i want? or am i so far gone that there isn't anything i can do?

you see, this has been happening all weekend. question after question. minutes of headache. sulk. laziness. and then a need for distraction.

STUCK.