sad reality

i can never be myself here.
i can never be me in front of you
never be in love, in front of you
only can i hide it
put on a mask for you
submerge my true self for you
drown my life, for you
just to be happy
is to kill myself.

i can't exist
without you being sad.


-to my parents.

*sigh

so what's the solution? obviously, i can't end it. life that is. i can't end what i really am. i can't keep hiding it. my mind is tortured enough with the past. my mind can't handle my split personas. sure, its used to it, but i just know that i'll lose myself in entirety. so is my existence defined by my two selves? can i exist just with one or the other? one is comfortable, its what i've lived forever, but its a lie. the other is a risk. i risk everything previous to it.

what does it mean to exist, what IS the point of existence when its only defined by opposition? existence is conflict. drama. heartbreak.