reverie

i must be PMSing like hell, but im in one of the worst moods ever.

i just want to say "FUCK YOU" to almost everybody.

i want to say that i hate that you have me around your finger. that you probably always will. even though i'm the one that ended it. we created this life that i grew used to. you took me away from everybody, LITERALLY. everything will eternally remind me of you. i can still taste you. i can still smell you. and i want to get away from it all. i want to make more mistakes, but you hold me back and you're not even here. i want to be the hottest piece of shit around and i want you to regret never trying harder. and you know you'll always remember the way i touched you here. and there. everywhere. yeah, i fucking miss you, but the old you. whoever this girl is now, whenever i see her in front of me, it's a fucking stranger. and you expect me to just act like everything is PERFECT. everything is fine.

you know what? i liked hearing that you're sad, and in pain. i know that's wrong.

but fuck you. fuck that. fuck all relationships.

in fact. fuck everyone. we all have our own agenda. we take down people out of neccesity. and if we don't, we feel fucking lost because we're not in control. i should know because this is EXACTLY how i'm feeling.

so i don't want to float around.

but maybe i do want to break some hearts, more than just yours. maybe i just want to break mine. push myself towards a person that i KNOW will never love me. that i KNOW will never give me the time of day. because i know pain best.

the next person i'm with, will always hate the last person that had me. all this jealousy. but my core being just can't be a slut.

and jealousy when there isn't even SHIT there. don't get me fucking started on that.

i swear. i had a dream a few days ago where i thought i was dead (fuck, maybe i am). and that i'm just in fucking purgatory because you're all TORTURING ME to no ends. its like Wristcutters (the movie, or the book it was based on) for fucks sake. everyone is in this constant reverie around me. nobody is fucking happy or content. or my mind is fucking with me because none of you are real to me. so it just makes me wonder, the exact moment when my whole life changed for me. i shouldn't be home. i should be somewhere else GROWING. and not stuck at this constant level of stupidity.

where are my friends?

too busy trying to fix a relationship, or too busy trying to deny feelings.

get the fuck out of here with that shit!

i've never wanted to just SCREAM so much in my life. well, that's not true. you've made me want to punch things, even you. no one's ever made me want to do that. and i loved you. truly, truly loved you. i can't believe how GOOD i was to you.

but who the hell am i, now? i've changed so much. i've never feared the possibilities of life so much. what happened to the girl that had all this ambition, that wanted things better than the life she grew up with. isn't that the point of life? .. no, but we're taught to every fucking second of the day that life is supposed to constantly get better (with of course all the twists and turns and steep falls.. but in the end you're SUPPOSED to feel like you've gotten somewhere... ugh my ASS)

and then we realize, at some point, it's the same for a lot of people. it doesn't get much better than its already been.

i know. i'm only fucking 20. and i hate being this pessimistic.

maybe i need to surround myself with people that don't have such fucked up ways. with a clear thought in their head. not people just interested in a quick fuck, a quick high. but hey, that's me. so who the fuck am i to judge.

who am i to screen people like that, when i'm just the same. i'm no better than you. and you are no better than me.

just because you look better than me, proves nothing. you just attract people alot easier. who the FUCK cares.

what a fucking rant that makes no fucking sense. ugh fuckkkkkk life.