cafe world

has taken over my life.

i should be productive and spend this time for homework. or maybe just writing. or playing piano. or anything, really.

sigh



edit/edit/edit/edit

okay, this post is lame, so i'm going to fatten it up. like butter on bread. anyways.

I feel like I should expand more on what I think about the internet. Ingenuity, yes, but its slowly killing us. It ages the young and innocent. It bares all without censorship. It creates a faulty utopia. It breaks love without being found.

We think we have control of it. But rather, it has its hand on us. We are ruled by this digital world. We are trapped in a different dimension. We can't even talk to the person standing in front of us without stopping to answer a text message.

Yes, we are so advanced digitally, but now we lack reality. We go crazy without a cell phone. A little piece of us dies when our computers crash, or the server is down. The world has come so far, that now we're broadening the spaces between us. We don't have to interact like we used to. We don't have to talk on the phone like we used to. We just type.

And here I am. Using the internet. Living in this faulty utopia. I have been scathed by it. I have been lost within it. I have been toyed within it. I am probably being exploited as well. I have made DUMB decisions with something so simple. I used to have high hopes for you, Internet. But you've fucked me over.

maturity, wisdom, common sense

i love you gaga.
im sorry that most people don't understand why you did the song this way. i understand it all. it all makes sense and its beautiful and absolutely perfect. im sorry for your loss.

i still wish i had the money for this bike. i kind of think the red tires are a bit much, but it was a frame built for my size.

well, at least i have the schwinn on hold.
i plan on making that a really nice bike.

i've been stuck in thought

what is with all the existentialism? what provoked all this?
why do i want to get rid of it all?
why this, why that, why why

sometimes being left to myself is not the best thing.
i remember vividly the conversations that i can have in my head.
i start to question EVERYTHING.
it really is not good. i don't want to slip into that again. i'm trying.

i was close to just fucking up the day with a session of good stuff. gladly, i was wise not to give in. gladly, something came up, and kept me from doing that. im proud to say that i got my rough draft done. it's not exactly half assed, it's not perfect, but thats what the rough drafts are for. 4 hours for 2 pages? i'm horrible at this.

although i just ended up going home today instead of hanging out... i still wanted to be around people, around friends. to just not think for a while. that's what i need. a vacation from my mind. i think thats what pot does for me. it gives me a vacation. its a bit selfish, its a bit dumb, but its a bit amazing with the wonders it does. i say that very carefully, not to come off as some pothead. i mean, what defines a pothead anyway? someone who's always stoned, lazy, eats too much, does too little, laughs too much? no.. that's not me.. well maybe not all the time at least. there's so many negative connotations with this drug, i think its pretty funny. but in reality, everyone's had some sort of interaction with it. whatever. if anything, i treat marijuana just like i treat alcohol. responsibly. thats all that matters in the end, right? doing something responsibly. not doing stupid shit. not endangering others, and whatnot.

ugh, im just on edge, and im freakin tired of it. everything is pushing me just a bit more and more than it should.


i wonder what if i just left. lived somewhere else. started a new life. that wouldn't solve any of the problems, i know, but what if? who would i become? will the same problem arise? will the conflicted conscience make the move counterproductive? will i ever be sane? will i.. will i..

will i be left to do what i want? or am i so far gone that there isn't anything i can do?

you see, this has been happening all weekend. question after question. minutes of headache. sulk. laziness. and then a need for distraction.

STUCK.

sad reality

i can never be myself here.
i can never be me in front of you
never be in love, in front of you
only can i hide it
put on a mask for you
submerge my true self for you
drown my life, for you
just to be happy
is to kill myself.

i can't exist
without you being sad.


-to my parents.

*sigh

so what's the solution? obviously, i can't end it. life that is. i can't end what i really am. i can't keep hiding it. my mind is tortured enough with the past. my mind can't handle my split personas. sure, its used to it, but i just know that i'll lose myself in entirety. so is my existence defined by my two selves? can i exist just with one or the other? one is comfortable, its what i've lived forever, but its a lie. the other is a risk. i risk everything previous to it.

what does it mean to exist, what IS the point of existence when its only defined by opposition? existence is conflict. drama. heartbreak.

happy valentines day

first bike ride

No, sadly, it isn't mine. Yet.

So yesterday I was bored while Amber was at work, so I called up my friend Johnny who owns tons of bikes, and see if he wanted to hang out. He's the lucky bastard that owns that beautiful masi bike, so I wanted to see it for myself. I forgot to take a picture of it, but it pretty much looks exactly like the picture in the other post, except it is red where it is white on the picture, and it had a better seat. I was so jealous. I wanted to ride it, but it was too big for me. This guy's like 6' so yeah, that's not going to work. I marveled at its glory, and then he said he'd show me the little bike which was tucked away in the car because they went fishing at Lake Paris just the other day. I swear man, this guy has an interesting life. He's supposed to go camping today.

Anyways, I helped him take all the crap out of the car, while he took the boat off of the roof. And there it was, the little bike. Schwinn Traveler. So he put on the wheels, and there it was right before me--finally a bike that didn't look too big for me. Don't know how many gears, I couldn't even really figure out how to use the gears haha. Sad. First ride was a bit uncomfortable, the seat was a bit off, almost fell, but didn't--glad I didn't, how embarrassing would that be. He adjusted that problem. So yeah, btw Johnny's a huge pothead, so this is where the bike ride comes in. He wanted to go ride to his friends place because his friend wanted to buy some weed. So I was like yeah okay sure, just let me get comfortable riding the bike. So he went in to go change while I rode around the neighborhood.

Yeah, we rode around CSULB. He tried to bust a fixie trick, but failed. Of course the bike I was riding wasn't fixed, so I just watched him fail. First stop was at his friend Antonio's, first time meeting the guy. Johnny needed his air pump for his back tire. Oh yeah, he (Johnny) talked about how he randomly met this other rider, who apparently is a photographer for some magazine, and said that he's going on a bike ride (today) with them and take pictures. So he put more air in, and we left to go to Brenden's (also a guy whom I just met that day, and the guy that really wanted to get the herb).

Met Brenden. He's a 6' + tall asian guy. Kind of threw me off. Met his mom, Vanessa. Then met his dad, don't know his name... but I know that he does tattoos, and needs hours to put in--so maybe I'll have this guy do my first tattoo. I didn't get to see his work though. While Johnny was putting the bikes in the back, his back tire popped. Yeah, the one that he decided to put more air in. That blows. haha. literally.

So yeah, then we left the house in Brenden's car. He went to the atm to get some money, while Johnny looked for a hook up. We killed time in Border's. They played Magic (you know, that game) and I read dirty, politically incorrect sex jokes, that were more stupid, than funny. So I ended up flipping through the FAILnation book. No reading, just pictures of fail. Such as a street named, "Golden Rain" hahaha.

Anyway, after that finally got in contact with our person. Drove to Walgreen's, but on the way there Johnny blasted "Party In The USA" while we drove down Lakewood blvd .. I'm glad to say that this was the only time I've ever heard this song in entirety--ONLY because I was forced to. That was horrible. But funny nonetheless. Yeah by this time, I wasn't really feeling like getting stoned, especially because I had to pick up Amber in a few hours. They were planning on getting real fucked up too. He bought an 8th and planned on smoking most of it. Dude.. why would you waste your money like that in one day? I'd make that shit last.

But yeah, so they went back to Johnny's place to pick up Bruce, the guy he lives with. Met Bruce, but said I had to get going. I didn't really have to go, and it wasn't that I didn't want to smoke, I mean, I never turn that stuff down really, I don't mind it at all.. but not when I have to drive. Plus, didn't want it to get to a point where they were too stoned to drive me back to my car, and have Amber be pissed that I couldn't pick her up in time. So I said I'd hang out with them next time for sure. Bruce offered the camping trip, and while that could be fun, I don't have parents that would let me go on a weekend trip with only boys. Hahaha.

So yeah, then I drove off to Carson. Parked in Anderson Park because Amber works at DHL just down Wilmington. Took a nap, and waited for her to call me.

Fun day. She got her check, we had some taco bell. She had four taco supremes with extra cheese. hahaha damn. i just had a chicken burrito haha. Dropped her off, then came home.

Btw, r.i.p. lee mcqueen. you were too brilliant to just leave like that. and r.i.p. to the georgian luger that died in practice. and sorry that the olympics and newspeople didn't practice discretion with overplaying the clip. =\

On a better note. I've been reading this webcomic every single day since tuesday. A friend posted a link to it, and I love it. Questionable Content You don't exactly have to read it from the beginning. At first I started at the very recent one, and read the previous. But then decided to start from the veeeeeeery beginning. And it goes by pretty fast, because its so funny. I'm on #425 right now.

But yeah.. I need to get to work now. What a long post.

OH, and the bike. He said he'd sell it normally for 200, but for me, I can get it for 130. So I need to scrounge up some moneyyyyyy

i died a little

this, this right here. this is a masi speciale fixed ltd drop. i love everything about it. the color scheme. the drop bars. over all clean look. and one of my friends, lucky bastard, has one.

damn you. damn you.

if only i had a grand.