my hands are really cold.

if only i had one of those.

...

he bats flies
he rakes leaves
what happened to the man that used to breathe.

did time take you away
did time take her away
you have no idea
you have no idea
what you used to be

they shout at you
so that you'd listen
they look down
but i say let him be

you used to take care of me
you used to pick me up from school
now you see a stranger in front of you
I see a stranger in front of me

you used to ride your bike everywhere
i'd always hear a cog spin and know it was you
your bike is gone now
so are you

i remember her decline
and now i'm watching yours

i watch you through the window
still raking the leaves
is that all there is now?
leaves before you leave.

are you picking them up because you know you're falling?
it's okay.

booty.

finallyyyy.

like the good ol' days.

lessrest.

my back, just under my right shoulder, hurts like a bitch. it has hurt for the majority of sunday, and is now going into monday.

i have no idea why.
why?

so i really want music back in my life. but i have no idea how to get started.
i still want to write. i still want to draw.

and the stupid thing is, i have nothing but time right now. and i don't know how to use it.


so i was reading comments on the AMA performances. and by performances, i mean mainly two performances. the ones that stood out. the ones that most right-wing, close-minded, family oriented people absolutely HATE because they feel that these two (gaga and adam) are less talented. therefore, their use of outrageous stage theatrics--"shock value" i've read many times--are keeping people entertained rather than talented musicians itself.

yes, they have a point to an extent. but that does not make them any less talented. honest, i didn't really pay attention to adam's performance (never paid attention to him at all). sure, it was provocative. we obviously already knew he was gay. but still, america can't handle that being shoved in their face. or rather him shoving his crotch into dancers faces and sticking his tongue down someone's throat. okay, so what? i think ive seen worse on local tv during prime times. threesomes and high school kids. but, THATS okay. *shakes head*

yes, i understand that people have kids. but they have bedtimes. they shouldnt have been up anyway. and if they saw it, you could've easily changed the channel.

as for gaga's performance. and gaga in general.

there is no in between. you either love or hate her. i love her. and i like to read the comments of those who disagree. "she's outrageous". i agree, and so does she. "she uses theatrics to get ahead". i agree, and its genius. "she can't perform live" are you kidding me? don't you hear her SING? don't you see her actually playing that piano?? yeah so what its burning, and she's breaking bottles on it.. hey, she's fucking original. yeah, so it's more than just music thats she's creating. she's creating a world that she's sharing to her fans. she has a mystique that makes everybody want to know what she's going to do next. she is art. she is fashionable music.

i think the people that hate her are just afraid of her power because she's working this music business right. they feel she's faking it. well, its a persona, yes, but.. isn't that obvious? its entertainment, its savvy, its chic. she's giving you a movie, a rollercoaster ride, just fucking sit down and let her take you through it all.

music is tired of bubble gum over compressed pop anyway.

she's created her own genre, therefore, she's doing everything right. she doesn't need to stick to standards--and she shouldn't.

gaga is bringing it down.

oh well, if you hate her, you'll still probably have to deal with her being around due to her loyal fanbase.

but the girl really does have chops. don't let the bloody fashion detract too much attention from what's coming out of her mouth.

haus always wins.

all i can say is.
fuck. yes. fucking brilliant.
and this made every other performance that night just unworthy. and quite bland.

the end.

ps this performance scared the shit out of my mom.

..

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."
--audrey hepburn

respect

do you still have gas in your car?

yes.

'yes dad'. oh my god, you don't respect me anymore.

the feeling is mutual.

"Stars were made to suffer, and I am a star"

--Jayne Mansfield

go to sleep already

im pretty sure ive made an ass of myself this whole night.

i'm pretty much amazing

and there's nothing you can do to stop me



=]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

im back again..with a checklist

..with wants. [most with monetary value, some just plain cheesy.]

i want (a):

• tattoo(s)
  
• another job
• my own place
• black nylon member's only jacket
• black quilted member's only jacket
• black leather member's only jacket
• new jeans
• new shoes.
• keyboard
• iPod touch, but will wait for a gen with a camera
• psp, so i can play gta on the go...
• laptop
• dslr camera.
• new phone.. contemplating blackberry or iphone. but if im going to get a touch, then probably just a blackberry.
• more piano students. to share my passion for music.
• to go clubbing for once.
• to be on stage again.
• vacation.. preferably back to japan.
• ps3.
• tattoos.
  
• cookies
• chocolate
• trees. (you know what i mean..)
• that warm fuzzy feeling you get from snuggling with love
• ping pong balls
• table
• beer
• cheesecake
• tattoo
• patron
• chambord/chambui
• lady gaga concert tickets
• lady gaga ass.
• ass.
• tits.
• content wishy wash.
• a full stomach like thanksgiving everyday
• chelsea lately tickets
• russell brand tickets
• margaret cho tickets
• checks
• free tuition
• a tattoo of one of my drawings
• acura rsx
• 14 foot black steinway & sons grand piano
• beyonce's leotard.
• lady gaga's fishnets, and boots (right here) and wig, and her ass.
  
• michael jackson.
• a watchamacallit.
• 100 grand. chocolate bar.
• hershey's kisses with almonds
• a slot-like machine filled with infinite amount of free hugs for those times of desperation
• your soul.
• happiness, without the need for drugs.
• a good laugh that makes your stomach hurt til you cry.
• my parent's trust.
• rihanna, pre rated r album. more like when she just cut her hair off, and did jay z's vid. all black. all sex.
• emily haines to sing directly into my ear
• real world brooklyn. same exact cast. my faves.
• kat von d to do me. tattoo wise. and well, if she wanted... i wouldn't turn her down.
• kit kats. infinite
• lady gaga in her lingerie and diamand ensemble. wow.
• coronas.
• virginia slim menthols.
• cig break with lady gaga.
• clouds.
• zen garden
• six flags trip.
• disneyland
• knotts.
• new clothes.
• winning lottery ticket for x amount.
• heartfelt hugs. the kind where you don't ever want to let go.
• the feeling that you've made it. the feeling where you can finally kick your feet up and sit back and enjoy.
• to be 21.
• a night out in hollywood.
• to mingle.
• the sensation of having to pee after holding it in for so long
• my new spring classes.
• to speak/understand a foreign language fluently.
• to hug the shit out of little nugget chuy.
• tits and ass
• teleporter
• private jet
• graduate and live life.
• a house on the hill, overlooking the ocean.
• infinite smiles.
  

i'm a lady

after a long absence (again) i come back. blog, forgive me. life happened.

i am obsessed with this song by the way. and also cigarettes. but not in an addictive way.
of course, that sounds like what all addicts would say.

i'm not a chain smoker, that's all. i smoke on occasion. i'm a lady, i can do what i want.

however, living at home, does not allow me to be a lady.

i need a damn job.

oh yeah. i think i've replaced rihanna with lady gaga. rihanna looked a lot better without her hair dyed blond and before she started wearing all these bright clothes.. go back to black and leather rihanna, please. and you'll be my favorite again. but lady gaga is fierce. and what made me love her is her actual talent as a pianist. and her morbid personality. great job.

i'm going to be something. i just don't know what it is yet.
but trust me, even i'm running out of patience with myself.

i do realize that this post lacks cohesiveness, especially with the latter of this blog. thats okay. my life has been very juxtaposed.
fuck, does that even make sense?

i am so annoyed with myself right now.
time to crack open this drink.

good night.


this probably really isnt a return to a never known blog, but i'll pop in every now and then. so that for the future, i can laugh at my wickedness.