set ups and introductions.

today i forced myself to go to church. i would've gotten into an argument with my dad about NOT going, but honestly, i did not have the energy.

but that's beside the point. i thought going to church would be the only downfall of the day.
never think too soon.

so the hour passes, thinking that I am free. On my way out of the church after hugging my uncles, aunties and grandpa, my dad runs into his retired ex-coworker. The old creeper will not stop looking at me and immediately reaches for my hand and tries to pull me in for one of those kisses on the cheek --as if we were related or something. So he asks me the usual crap, what school I'm attending, and what I'm majoring in. I tell him. Then he starts talking about his son, and that he just graduated. I'm like oh okay, that's cool. All while he's looking at me, and I just feel like he really wants something from me. My dad's trying to talk to him and stuff, but he always goes back to me.

So my dad says that we'll see him later and blah blah blah, but then the guy wants our number. Great. While my dad is writing it down, he asks me if I have a boyfriend. Well, i tell the truth, I don't. but i do have a girlfriend that i've been with for almost 2 years.. but of course, will not say that.. especially in front of a church.

So now he's all excited, without trying to show it, but it shines through his words more than ever. He says that if he calls my dad to hang out, that I should come with, and meet the family.. aka, his son. His 25 year old son.

*barf*

I'm sure the guy is nice, but please. We're all adults here, no one needs setting up. I am NOT having your grandkids.


bleh.

avatar.

just saw this movie. I will say.. amazing. Yes, if you look past the extraordinary, the story is cliche.. but you must watch this movie for its FULL package .

it did lack in the plot for character development. i will admit i can't remember most of their names except for Jake, Neytiri, and Tsutey. but that just makes me watch again and again. or expect a sequel that will delve more deeply into this world.

good job mr. cameron. you make me want to write again.

i loathe you.

get off my back.
let me breathe
im doing the stuff that i have to
let me do it
let me breathe
let me live
fucking let me live.
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you.

i can't stand to be around you
because i know that deep down i am a disappointment
what i am, what you don't know, is a disappointment
what your god wants from me, he won't get.
what you want from me, you won't get.
and you'll never understand me.
you'll never know
it'll never be the same
i won't run to you and smile and be glad that you're home

it shouldn't be that way
but you built me this way.

i don't want to hate you
but your actions are unlovable.

about the last post

there's probably a word for that. so it wouldn't really be agoraphobia. that was the only thing i can think of.

attack of the panic

i think i have slight agoraphobia.
except i don't fear that it'll happen in public places. it's mainly fearing it at home.

i think my dad is the trigger.

strangers are not strange

why in this world have we taught our kids that family is important, but helping those that really need help should be ignored? we teach ourselves to be insensitive to those around us that are not blood. we teach ourselves to be selfish for our own benefit. yet we don't realize the greater benefit of helping someone out.

how easier, how peaceful, how warm the world would be if we learned to reach out instead of turning a cold shoulder.
so many people need help.

while most of us prepare for a nice Christmas with our extended families.. many will be fighting to live. fighting to find a warm place to stay and feel secure. how can we sleep at night knowing that many do not know where to go the next day?

this world is cruel.

when a friend says they need help--they mean it. don't feel like it isn't your responsibility. feel that it is an honor. make yourself feel the gratitude, humble yourself, and help each other. because if the shoe were on the other foot, you would not want to feel invisible or unimportant. you want to feel human. you want to feel like your living, not surviving.

this is my only wish that i want to be made. that we learn to help eachother. find it in our hearts that these people are not trying to harm us in any way, but only need to feel secure like we do.

all i can do is watch

it sucks. i wish i could do more. im the only one that really wishes that. and i have exhausted everything that i could have done.

i don't know what it feels like, but i empathize so much. i know you wish more people would understand. i wish i could put a gun to some people's foreheads to make them feel that helpless vibe.

i know saying these things doesn't really help. if i've been so quiet the last few days, i'm sorry. i'm just lost, but i can't even bring myself to say that to you. you don't need any of it.

i wish i could relieve you from everything.

Mary and Max

dark humor, but overall great movie. i read reviews saying that people couldn't get past the animation, but it's no kids movie. had me laugh quite a few times. i give it an 8/10. i don't know what i'm basing this on, but that's what i feel.



zSHARE video - Mary and Max. DVDRIPP - 2009.avi.flv

lost

today is one of those days where i just don't know what to do. here's a problem, and i don't know how to fix it. i hate that. but i know that i'm not feeling the worst of it, just witnessing it.

im sorry love. i wish i could give you the world because you deserve a break. you deserve to live. you deserve everything that you dream of. you deserve a life that's better for you.

just know, that i'm always gonna try and keep you from falling. i know you're falling now, but i'll never let go.

i'm not being selfish, and i know you think its the easy way out.


please don't let go.

my hands are really cold.

if only i had one of those.

...

he bats flies
he rakes leaves
what happened to the man that used to breathe.

did time take you away
did time take her away
you have no idea
you have no idea
what you used to be

they shout at you
so that you'd listen
they look down
but i say let him be

you used to take care of me
you used to pick me up from school
now you see a stranger in front of you
I see a stranger in front of me

you used to ride your bike everywhere
i'd always hear a cog spin and know it was you
your bike is gone now
so are you

i remember her decline
and now i'm watching yours

i watch you through the window
still raking the leaves
is that all there is now?
leaves before you leave.

are you picking them up because you know you're falling?
it's okay.

booty.

finallyyyy.

like the good ol' days.

lessrest.

my back, just under my right shoulder, hurts like a bitch. it has hurt for the majority of sunday, and is now going into monday.

i have no idea why.
why?

so i really want music back in my life. but i have no idea how to get started.
i still want to write. i still want to draw.

and the stupid thing is, i have nothing but time right now. and i don't know how to use it.


so i was reading comments on the AMA performances. and by performances, i mean mainly two performances. the ones that stood out. the ones that most right-wing, close-minded, family oriented people absolutely HATE because they feel that these two (gaga and adam) are less talented. therefore, their use of outrageous stage theatrics--"shock value" i've read many times--are keeping people entertained rather than talented musicians itself.

yes, they have a point to an extent. but that does not make them any less talented. honest, i didn't really pay attention to adam's performance (never paid attention to him at all). sure, it was provocative. we obviously already knew he was gay. but still, america can't handle that being shoved in their face. or rather him shoving his crotch into dancers faces and sticking his tongue down someone's throat. okay, so what? i think ive seen worse on local tv during prime times. threesomes and high school kids. but, THATS okay. *shakes head*

yes, i understand that people have kids. but they have bedtimes. they shouldnt have been up anyway. and if they saw it, you could've easily changed the channel.

as for gaga's performance. and gaga in general.

there is no in between. you either love or hate her. i love her. and i like to read the comments of those who disagree. "she's outrageous". i agree, and so does she. "she uses theatrics to get ahead". i agree, and its genius. "she can't perform live" are you kidding me? don't you hear her SING? don't you see her actually playing that piano?? yeah so what its burning, and she's breaking bottles on it.. hey, she's fucking original. yeah, so it's more than just music thats she's creating. she's creating a world that she's sharing to her fans. she has a mystique that makes everybody want to know what she's going to do next. she is art. she is fashionable music.

i think the people that hate her are just afraid of her power because she's working this music business right. they feel she's faking it. well, its a persona, yes, but.. isn't that obvious? its entertainment, its savvy, its chic. she's giving you a movie, a rollercoaster ride, just fucking sit down and let her take you through it all.

music is tired of bubble gum over compressed pop anyway.

she's created her own genre, therefore, she's doing everything right. she doesn't need to stick to standards--and she shouldn't.

gaga is bringing it down.

oh well, if you hate her, you'll still probably have to deal with her being around due to her loyal fanbase.

but the girl really does have chops. don't let the bloody fashion detract too much attention from what's coming out of her mouth.

haus always wins.

all i can say is.
fuck. yes. fucking brilliant.
and this made every other performance that night just unworthy. and quite bland.

the end.

ps this performance scared the shit out of my mom.

..

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."
--audrey hepburn

respect

do you still have gas in your car?

yes.

'yes dad'. oh my god, you don't respect me anymore.

the feeling is mutual.

"Stars were made to suffer, and I am a star"

--Jayne Mansfield

go to sleep already

im pretty sure ive made an ass of myself this whole night.

i'm pretty much amazing

and there's nothing you can do to stop me



=]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

im back again..with a checklist

..with wants. [most with monetary value, some just plain cheesy.]

i want (a):

• tattoo(s)
  
• another job
• my own place
• black nylon member's only jacket
• black quilted member's only jacket
• black leather member's only jacket
• new jeans
• new shoes.
• keyboard
• iPod touch, but will wait for a gen with a camera
• psp, so i can play gta on the go...
• laptop
• dslr camera.
• new phone.. contemplating blackberry or iphone. but if im going to get a touch, then probably just a blackberry.
• more piano students. to share my passion for music.
• to go clubbing for once.
• to be on stage again.
• vacation.. preferably back to japan.
• ps3.
• tattoos.
  
• cookies
• chocolate
• trees. (you know what i mean..)
• that warm fuzzy feeling you get from snuggling with love
• ping pong balls
• table
• beer
• cheesecake
• tattoo
• patron
• chambord/chambui
• lady gaga concert tickets
• lady gaga ass.
• ass.
• tits.
• content wishy wash.
• a full stomach like thanksgiving everyday
• chelsea lately tickets
• russell brand tickets
• margaret cho tickets
• checks
• free tuition
• a tattoo of one of my drawings
• acura rsx
• 14 foot black steinway & sons grand piano
• beyonce's leotard.
• lady gaga's fishnets, and boots (right here) and wig, and her ass.
  
• michael jackson.
• a watchamacallit.
• 100 grand. chocolate bar.
• hershey's kisses with almonds
• a slot-like machine filled with infinite amount of free hugs for those times of desperation
• your soul.
• happiness, without the need for drugs.
• a good laugh that makes your stomach hurt til you cry.
• my parent's trust.
• rihanna, pre rated r album. more like when she just cut her hair off, and did jay z's vid. all black. all sex.
• emily haines to sing directly into my ear
• real world brooklyn. same exact cast. my faves.
• kat von d to do me. tattoo wise. and well, if she wanted... i wouldn't turn her down.
• kit kats. infinite
• lady gaga in her lingerie and diamand ensemble. wow.
• coronas.
• virginia slim menthols.
• cig break with lady gaga.
• clouds.
• zen garden
• six flags trip.
• disneyland
• knotts.
• new clothes.
• winning lottery ticket for x amount.
• heartfelt hugs. the kind where you don't ever want to let go.
• the feeling that you've made it. the feeling where you can finally kick your feet up and sit back and enjoy.
• to be 21.
• a night out in hollywood.
• to mingle.
• the sensation of having to pee after holding it in for so long
• my new spring classes.
• to speak/understand a foreign language fluently.
• to hug the shit out of little nugget chuy.
• tits and ass
• teleporter
• private jet
• graduate and live life.
• a house on the hill, overlooking the ocean.
• infinite smiles.
  

i'm a lady

after a long absence (again) i come back. blog, forgive me. life happened.

i am obsessed with this song by the way. and also cigarettes. but not in an addictive way.
of course, that sounds like what all addicts would say.

i'm not a chain smoker, that's all. i smoke on occasion. i'm a lady, i can do what i want.

however, living at home, does not allow me to be a lady.

i need a damn job.

oh yeah. i think i've replaced rihanna with lady gaga. rihanna looked a lot better without her hair dyed blond and before she started wearing all these bright clothes.. go back to black and leather rihanna, please. and you'll be my favorite again. but lady gaga is fierce. and what made me love her is her actual talent as a pianist. and her morbid personality. great job.

i'm going to be something. i just don't know what it is yet.
but trust me, even i'm running out of patience with myself.

i do realize that this post lacks cohesiveness, especially with the latter of this blog. thats okay. my life has been very juxtaposed.
fuck, does that even make sense?

i am so annoyed with myself right now.
time to crack open this drink.

good night.


this probably really isnt a return to a never known blog, but i'll pop in every now and then. so that for the future, i can laugh at my wickedness.

I forget about this blog...

..And I shouldn't... I've been getting back into drawing. I actually drew my very first koi fish (otherwise lesser known as carp...koi sounds better).. and finished it. I think? Well, the fish itself is done--and that alone was the real accomplishment. I know my record of unfinished masterpieces, but here lies a finished product! I'm proud of myself. But I'll definitely keep pushing myself.

So what's going on? (And I say that while wondering whom I'm directing that question to... maybe the unconscious, hidden me of the future.) I've read some great books by David Sedaris (Me Talk Pretty One Day, and Naked--both oh so ridiculously delicious). But sadly I haven't been keeping up on reading because I have fines to pay at the library. And when there's no steady and reliable income, I can't pay that off.. and thus, I can't read to save my brain =[ .. But life goes on.
Or does it?
Who knows, but I know I can't stop living. Who wants to die anyway... I know life throws a lot of curveballs (spell check tells me this is spelled wrong, is there a space?) or sometimes life even throws you bombs that force you to make the quick important decision of going left or right--but even through those times, it's the knowing that it is GOING to get better that makes me carry on. And it must. And the laws of nature should allow things to get better. However, the laws of time, are never really on nature's side. And human nature, hates that.

so yeah. The thought of death sucks, and it's been everywhere on tv. Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, died thursday June 25th, 2009. Where was I when I unofficially heard the rumor of his death? At Maritz, when I finished my application, and was waiting for the receptionist to take my application from me. One of the workers had the receptionist look up the rumor (at the time) of his death. It seemed fake to me, someone just crying wolf to startle attention... Not even 30 minutes later, Amber and I are driving and we receive a call from Amber's friend, Breelyn, telling us that Michael's dead. Cardiac arrest. Amber was once obsessed with Michael, she couldn't even believe it. We drove to Chris' house to watch the news, and it was true. Breaking news. Nothing else was on but the coverage of his death. And poor Farrah Fawcett passed away earlier that day too. Two icons? In one day? The world is horrible. It's history for sure...

So where do I go from here? I seriously, do not know. That was a depressing subject. I am going to Vegas in a week... I'm excited. I'm ready to get away for a bit. Even if it is just one night. I need some good times. Some drinks. Some relaxation.