i am hungry.

but the odd thing is, i made myself breakfast this morning. so that i WOULDN'T have this problem.

but im hungry. not terribly hungry, but i do have an appetite that im struggling to fill.

i only have a $1.25 in quarters. that can buy me a snack from a machine.. but.. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i want sushi. i want kbbq. i want a subway sandwich. i want in n out.

OH MY GOD.
let me go shut up my fat conscience.

When You Talk

Can you just stay around,
While I'm trying hard to
To find and reach you now,
I am lost in this room

This place is very loud
Just quit wondering and go
Without feeling alone
Without caring that much

When you talk, I don't care what it means
Shouldn't just stare at you, should I?
When you talk, I don't care what it means
Shouldn't just stare at you, should I?

I know you think about
How you like to be seen
By everyone around
You're so pretty it hurts

I'll take you to the ground
And keep you down below
You deserve to be alone
You don't matter that much

When you talk, I don't care what it means
shouldn't just stare at you, should I?
When you talk, I don't care what it means

this song is for all those bitches. =] i think we all know someone like this.

i think this is meant for all those flings that go nowhere because its based on pure physical attraction and lust. yeah, sure, you're all fun and games honey--you're fun to look at, but you're just my appetizer.

so for all of you, that spend hours fixing yourself up to meet a certain stereotype (yes, i say stereotype and mean it) and don't spend hours on your life in the long run.. you will forever be just someone's appetizer. that, or you just want to be a trophy wife. or a mistress. who knows. you're young now, i know, so definitely live it.. but it's not always gonna be that way. or else you need to get yourself that billionaire who will buy you those countless surgeries and botox appointments to keep yourself RELEVANT.

however, if you take the time to beautify your MIND, then you'll always be relevant no matter what shoes, clothes, jewelry you're wearing.

here's why i think it didn't work out

you were a completely different person with me. then when you were other people, you were someone else.

now, i know that's natural to a certain degree, but.. usually it shouldn't be such a DRASTIC change. so drastic, that when i would be in the presence of you and your friends, i felt slightly uncomfortable because you acted in a way i wasn't used to.

so why is that? why would you act this way, and then the other? which is real? are they both real? then why not be both in front of me?

its something so little, i know, but it makes a big impact. because i felt like i didn't know you anymore. because that's not the person i fell in love with. yes, you're physically you, but your attitude was totally different. that's what began to push me away. what happened? was acting a certain way too much, so that your true colors were finally showing?

then thats not fair to me, because i didn't get to learn about this person. i didn't get to learn to be affectionate towards this person. the person i loved was just a front. but then you took that down, and expected me to just switch gears. it doesn't work that way.

thats how i feel. and thats why i broke it off.

whats the use of making a bed

to present yourself a clear mind?

meh.
what's the use of getting to know someone, when they'll probably run away.
i dare you to stay, but i also dare you not to get bored.

yeah, do that.
that's a terrible task.
because when it gets down to it, done to the core of my being, i'm nothing too interesting.
once you've figured it all out.
there's nothing more to dig through.
you'll hit a wall. the maze tragically ends. the smell of cheese is gone. there's nothing else to interest you in reaching that end.

so why should i make my bed, when there's no one to see it but me?

um

pit stop.

all i want

is you to be civil.

none of this is necessary.

some pictures from santa maria

fear vs love

so the only thing i really paid attention to in political science today was the niccolo machiavelli quote "it is better to be feared than loved"

well, me being a person that's all about affection, i was reluctant to agree. but then i thought about it.. and i believe it is true.

to be feared is alot more powerful than being loved. that means you are solely in control because it is innate for them to be scared or fearful. you do not have to interact with the person, for them to fear you.

to be loved means that you NEED that other person to give you that attention. so the control is solely by the counterpart, and not yours because they CHOOSE to love you. you cannot make someone love you. however, you can make someone fear you.


so i do agree with that statement.
does that mean i want people to be afraid of me? hmm. well not in the sense that i want to brutally kill them... but in the sense that i am overly intimidating. haha.

im totally intimidated by a lot of people, so......................

yeah.

think of it this way, no matter how much you love someone... in one point of time or another... it greatly impacts you BUT, i think its much easier to remember a time where you were scared shitless for your life--rather than a relationship. hmmmm.. but now that i think of it, with my relationships i was always fearful of the other person. for whatever reasons. sooo, i think fear is everywhere, but love is not. i dont know what the hell i'm saying anymore


i'm going to shut up now.


the end.

who knew.

so this girl is sad because she thinks she lost my attention.

well, there probably is truth to that, but she didn't do much to try and keep it there anyway.
i'm not going to waste time chasing people--especially because im going back to school, don't have time for that shit. again, that doesn't mean i don't want to get to know people. there's a HUGE difference.

i just think its funny how one day she was totally like omg be my girlfriend, and then after that, she didn't really bother to say much haha.

plus, blatantly saying "you're going to be my gf" without really getting to know me, is a huge turn OFF. like, i get it, you're pretty, you're confident in yourself, but.. so what? i've dealt with pretty people, and they're SO boring--or just act REALLY stupid because they think they're immune to everything (am i the only one noticing this trend?).

once i get used to your face, there's not so much to appeal after that. unless you have an amazing personality... but there's just something about girls who hugely rely on their beauty tending to forget that. and it's pretty annoying. i mean, i could work on a girl and try and make herself better.. buttttttttt im fucking LAZY. (besides, if they wanted to truly be a better person, they'd do it themselves. pretty damn positive thats the way it works)

either that, or all they want is sex.
*shrug*
who knows what the hell is in store for me.


i dont know where i'm going with this.
but all i want right now is a cigarette.


OH, one more thing. i kinda hate it when people act like being single is the worst thing ever.
like, cmon. you can't live your life tethered to someone's hip. that was me the last 2 years, and i totally LOST myself. and shit went down the drain.

this just could be me ranting because i'm not ready for some big commitment again.
that's my imperfection right now though. because i know if i get into a relationship THIS INSTANCE, i will fuck it up. not by cheating or anything like that. but by doing the exact same shit i did with amber. lose myself. become that person's bitch.

so. i'm just being me.
and i don't want to deal with you if you're gonna be sad that i didn't talk to you for X amount of days.

the end.

rifle tits

EDIT.

officially, 51 days til i see her. will probably be the best day of my life?

that is, until we have sex. hahahahahaha.

an old poem

i found this on my deviantArt page, i totally forgot about it. i don't even remember who i wrote this for? apparently written in November 2005.




I wish i could tell you you're beautiful

my hair cascades my eyes

to hide my imperfections

my shy ways block my true passions

my spirit is the wind

and i pass you by and then

glance back

and sigh.

i'm the reason why you shiver

in the cold streets

lonesome.

i'm the one cloud in the sky

blocking the sun.

your warmth is transparent

yet clearer than day

and shine so bright.

i wrap myself around you

as the cold wind hugs your frame

and you feel lost.

your flame has blown out

and i still worship you.

don't worry my dear

the sun will drown into the horizon

as well

and the essence will overflow you

with the pink light blushing your cheeks

and you will hear my last words

echo with sweetness.

moar

still have yet to get pics from santa maria trip.

good times.

however, i will not let myself sulk because school starts tomorrow.

i think the celica is ready to be driven though?

watch them steal that shit again. =

hm

since i don't feel like writing much today, i will showcase pictures that i have stolen from other people's cameras =]

title: Match My Heart

get it?

cuz they're matches.

i actually watched the game yesterday

only the first half.

the end.

eternally in the "Friend's" zone

hahahaha, sorry I just have to laugh at myself for a second... okay. Well I doubt anyone will read this, but I just feel like writing. It’ll probably be very long.

Don’t you have that one friend in life that you've just always stuck around with?

I’m kind of in that situation. I met this girl when I was a freshman in high school through a mutual friend after admiring from afar. (Yes, one of THOSE situations...). It was an INSTANT attraction. Just something about her, made me want to get to know her. I wasn't quite sure in which way, but those newly aware teen hormones were acting up... so probably in a way that (at that point in my life) I have never known anyone.

So the epic tale starts with little freshman me at an event, and I see her--this short edgy girl, with short black hair parading around. I tell my friend (who was a senior) that I think she's SUPER hot. Little did I know that they were best friends in elementary school. And so, he proceeds to call her over. I glare at him, like omg wtf, oh shit.

He grabs her attention, and immediately comes over, and sits right next to me. They proceed to catch up with each other. Anyways, I found out she was a keyboard player for a metal band, but she was talking to him (though I was sitting in between them) and not directly to me. However, I chimed in anyway and said oh shit, I play piano. Or something like that. I don't know exactly what I said; I just remember that anything that came out of my mouth that night was probably stupid. And whenever I would say something it didn’t help that she kind of just glared at me. I couldn't help it, I was so intimidated. I was this shy, quiet, little freshman girl. And she was this gorgeous, sly senior. And she was sitting RIGHT next to me. So I just kind of looked forward, trying not to stare at her, and trying not to just look at my friend. And I just tried to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the night.

WELL, that night ended. And then I figured out that my best friend also met a girl that she thought was SUPER hot, and started coming to our steel drum band's practices. And guess who it was? Super hot edgy girl! But I’ll address her as Honey D.

So Honey D recognized me when I finally showed up to a practice that I was able to make. She kind of smirked at me, and I melted. I muttered a "hi", or something, who knows. We had sort of chatted on aim before that day of practice, so by this time I knew that she was bisexual and single. So during breaks at practice, I would be at my drum looking over my music, and she would walk over to me and play with my hair. The power this girl had on me! Eventually she knew I had my crush on her, and wanted to go out on a date with me.

However, our schedules clashed horribly. And that never happened. Honey D went on to have her boyfriends and what not, and I continued to just kick myself in the head.

We still talked on aim every now and then. She hit me up again maybe a year or two later. We were both single and it was nearing Halloween. So she asked me if I wanted to go out with her for the night. We held hands. We got ourselves a bunch of candy. I stole a tombstone and a sword for her. She proceeded to smack my ass with that sword. There was no kiss. But it was still a fun night for me. However, things after that, though I may have gotten close.. nothing ever happened.

So I moved on, met a new girl, which I eventually had a two year relationship with. Honey D met herself a new guy, and they seemed to have a good thing going on as well, except he lived in New York. So I get an invitation one day from Honey D, saying that it’s her farewell party because she was moving to NY, and that I should come and bring my girlfriend with me. I wanted to go, but my gf wasn’t feeling it, so I didn’t have a chance to give a proper goodbye.

Anyways, fast forward to today. Honey D is still in New York, and I’m still here in California. Honey D broke up with the boyfriend (I helped her through that), and I broke up with my girlfriend (she helped me through that). We’ve managed to become really great friends again. We bonded over our obsession with Lady Gaga over the last year. Anyways, Honey D is one of the hardest working people I know. She works 60+ hours a week, so she’s definitely a hustler, always has been, always will. That’s what I love about her. She’s also trying to make a name for herself in the music business.

And that’s where I come into the picture again. She knows I have a creative bone in my body, so I’ve become one of her personal assistants and her art director. She just wants me out there to live with (because it’s kind of hard to be a personal assistant while being on opposite coasts), so that I can physically push her to perform on a stage, and pull up girls for Honey D to violate on stage.

Well, I’m eternally in the “friend’s” zone with this girl—but that's okay. We're going to help each other dominate the world. I hope the world is ready for you Honey D.

sometimes i wonder..

sometimes i wonder..

if you're just a part of my imagination.
i've been through this exact feeling before,
and i feel very reluctant about stepping forward.

i've made reckless decisions in the past that have given me bursts of happiness, but after time, the magic always fades. things really weren't what they seemed to be.

i have this wall up, but every now and then i peek out.
i stare you down, to really understand you. to just try and see if you are what you say you are.
i can't tell... after all, why would you talk to me? *shrug*

but there's a definite attraction. and it's more than just looks.
yes, at first, that is what pulled me in.
i am just lost for words though.

part of me, just wants to not deal with this bullshit, and not even give a damn.
i'm supposed to be focusing on me...
but everyday, i want to talk to you.

oh, lynn. you make things more than they are, and worry for no reason. get over it.
thank you, conscience. that's all i needed to hear..