guard.

there's a wall now. i refuse. i felt fine. i'll keep appearing that way. but now, i just can't trust anyone.

humanity, i would love to get in a ring with you, and just give you my all.
really, just thank you. why do you make me question all my relationships. why do you make me wonder if they were genuine?

humanity, just punch me. just knock me out. you've done it before. just do it one last time.

inside, there's just too much. i can't bear it to anybody. i can't trust you. nobody. it's not like anyone can do anything. we all have our shit. we all have our problems. we're all preoccupied.

chasing people. not worth it.
wanting people. not worth it.

inside, i will remain pessimistic.
but i will keep a front, so that nobody bugs me. nobody asks stupid questions that don't want to be answered.

don't pry and try to figure me out.
just let me live this life.
i patiently wait for the end.

im so done with california.

i have different perspective on people now that i do not have a car.
its like all of a sudden i am not a mode of transportation, i can't do shit for you anymore, so you disappear.

lovely. thanks. sorry im not a car.

Me

ugh i want to go to weho!

FAB

me too, damn i need a man soooo bad

Me

hahaha

i just want something FUN

if thats a person, fine

if thats alcohol, im all for it

FAB

ignore my seeming desperation and associate it as me joking

Me

if its dancing, yes please

i want to kiss somebody actually

kissing is fun

so is cuddling

i want to cuddle

FAB

i want someone to surprise me with something cute

Me

what justifies as cute

like a cupcake?

FAB

just a gesture i would appreciate

Me

a lap dance

hahahaha

im kidding


_____________________________________________________________________

Me

i think all i need is a cute person

to just stare at

FAB

i want that but i do need a lot more

Me

yeah..

i want to be a really cute chic girl, that everybody just finds so fascinating

FAB

i want a nonthreatning hipster boy who is really sweet but also very witty, and appreciates my sense of culture and humor

Me

hahaha i just want to be amazing. right now i just want to say fuck people, except for friends of course

converse, rehearse.

FAB

i think it all comes out with a nice smoke

Me

haha what do you mean

FAB

it makes me feel introspective and reveal things about my life

Me

oh yes, i agree

haha i feel like eveytime i smoke, i should be filmed in black and white

i just stare in the camera

glare immensely

and then say random things that make me wise

and everybody falls in love with me

kind of like a factory girl.

FAB

yes and a raspy voice narrates the troubles of my life

Me

yes yes yes

pride 2010

i finally went to pride. i really wanted to go last year, when i was with amber, but that didnt work out cuz we were broke.

but this year, i got to go with friends. it's interesting. im really tired right now. so maybe i'll update about that tomorrow.