I fear for my life, sometimes.

I wish that the past would play its role, and stay in the past.

But it doesn't. Memories--beautiful, and horrific--allow you to access what you've experienced, but especially the incident that hurt you the most. How a certain summer, of a certain year, can rush back to you in one second. And you're paralyzed. You're angry. You're sad. You thought you've overcame this little thing. You've told yourself you're bigger than it. But the size of that moment is indescribable. It's intangible. But it happened. You watched it happen to yourself. And you didn't respond. You didn't act. You just slipped into a dark world. You realize that life is a bunch of bullshit. Happiness is just a tease. The trauma won't cease. All I could do was cry. I try to punch the images out of my head.

I realize it was that moment that changed the path of my life. That moment grabbed me, and threw me into the ocean. I don't believe I've ever come back to the coast. It was that summer. That summer. 5 years ago. I don't know what to make of it. I just know that it changed me. And those people that hurt me, have nothing to say to me that could bring me back to "normal". I know one is in jail. Who knows where the other one is. What a coward. But I am the coward. I never said a thing.

I guess I thought that if I didn't think about it for a long time, it would eventually dissipate. I am a fool.

And they both said "I'm sorry" ... as if these two, "genuine" words could cure it. Please spare me. Don't even bother. Why waste your breath. If you were ever truly sorry, you could have stopped it. You would have known better. I was just a kid. You betray the trust that was given to you. You took advantage of me.

I learned to make bad decisions in order to forget what happened. To force myself to trust again. But now I realize that I was just continuing to fuck up. Decisions from my past, after that summer, are hurting my present, and my future.

I love you. And I mean it. I'm sorry that this happened to me. I'm sorry that I did certain things. I'm sorry that I hurt myself. Especially in front of you. I know my past hurts you too. And that only propels me to punish myself. I wish I could get into my brain, and cut that part out. I am just thankful..grateful.. that you continue to pull me towards you, and away from it all.

I want to forget it. It's not fair...