Flickering light

What if
space didn't matter
because Space technology finally made it easier.
Would that be easier to let our guards down?
Or faster to cement that last brick in the wall?
Would that accentuate the empty space within ourselves?

It would be too easy at that point, right?
Life is built for challenges, anyway.
We love to seek out the mirage in front of us,
and knowing we'll never reach it.

But what if
it's finally a reality
And you're disappointed?
Do we hide again because it's not worth it?
Pain?

Maybe we seek pain
just so we don't eternally feel empty.
Or maybe it's just my mind.
Finding pleasure after constant hurt and setbacks just to get a grasp
on what happiness might mean.

Why can't happiness be a feeling on its own? Only a constant comparison.
Why are we afraid?

Yet we continue to walk on, fully dressed in armor
Shield ourselves from the bright lights that eventually blow out.

shitfuckdamn

So... I'm feeling a bit more vulnerable these days.
It has been that way for the past week or so, mostly.
That comes with letting one's guard down though, right?

Here I sit in front of the computer where I should be writing an essay on how our food system has fucked us over, but instead I sit here and think of you. I wonder what you're up to. (And that scares me.)

At least, I know the feeling is mutual. I know you're scared too, right? We cleared the air, and here we are. It's intense. Do we know what it means? Hm. Haha

We drifted a little. But you caught me. I was kind of fine, gambling with the thought of being alone, and thriving. Yet, this connection was a bit too much to just ignore. Am I right? Even when we didn't speak, I still had the urge to see what's up. I wanted to give you space though--and I'm not quite sure why. Probably my own defense mechanism. I'm always one to repress feelings. After all, why me? Why bother with me?

But then I think, why am I so hard on myself? Why not me? I can be pretty fucking amazing. So what you're seeing now, is something new. The fact that I am gaining some confidence in who I am, and what I deserve.

You understand me though. Even though it seemed like my feelings did come out of nowhere.

I am deathly afraid of being attached to you. Not because you're not amazing, but because you really are--and I enjoy every moment I get to speak to you. But this space issue. The space between us. That's tough. Mentally, we're pretty fucking close though. But is that enough compensation? I like to think it is... although I admit, without physically being around each other.. I really don't want to go crazy.

I guess it is just because I've been through this situation before. I fell hard. I sense that this very well may happen again. But again. The distance. No bueno. However, I feel it is not fair to hold back anymore. I've only been myself. I genuinely have these thoughts. I genuinely want to know you. I don't want to scare you away, at all. I want to keep making you smile, and laugh (among other things). I want to make you think about the world in a different light, although you already do that well enough on your own--And that's what gets me.

I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't stop talking to you. Or thinking about you.

Shit.
Fuck.
Damn.

It is what is though. I'm happy that we've gotten to know each other. Happy that it just started off with an offering of tacos. Crazy, huh?