set ups and introductions.

today i forced myself to go to church. i would've gotten into an argument with my dad about NOT going, but honestly, i did not have the energy.

but that's beside the point. i thought going to church would be the only downfall of the day.
never think too soon.

so the hour passes, thinking that I am free. On my way out of the church after hugging my uncles, aunties and grandpa, my dad runs into his retired ex-coworker. The old creeper will not stop looking at me and immediately reaches for my hand and tries to pull me in for one of those kisses on the cheek --as if we were related or something. So he asks me the usual crap, what school I'm attending, and what I'm majoring in. I tell him. Then he starts talking about his son, and that he just graduated. I'm like oh okay, that's cool. All while he's looking at me, and I just feel like he really wants something from me. My dad's trying to talk to him and stuff, but he always goes back to me.

So my dad says that we'll see him later and blah blah blah, but then the guy wants our number. Great. While my dad is writing it down, he asks me if I have a boyfriend. Well, i tell the truth, I don't. but i do have a girlfriend that i've been with for almost 2 years.. but of course, will not say that.. especially in front of a church.

So now he's all excited, without trying to show it, but it shines through his words more than ever. He says that if he calls my dad to hang out, that I should come with, and meet the family.. aka, his son. His 25 year old son.

*barf*

I'm sure the guy is nice, but please. We're all adults here, no one needs setting up. I am NOT having your grandkids.


bleh.

avatar.

just saw this movie. I will say.. amazing. Yes, if you look past the extraordinary, the story is cliche.. but you must watch this movie for its FULL package .

it did lack in the plot for character development. i will admit i can't remember most of their names except for Jake, Neytiri, and Tsutey. but that just makes me watch again and again. or expect a sequel that will delve more deeply into this world.

good job mr. cameron. you make me want to write again.

i loathe you.

get off my back.
let me breathe
im doing the stuff that i have to
let me do it
let me breathe
let me live
fucking let me live.
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you.

i can't stand to be around you
because i know that deep down i am a disappointment
what i am, what you don't know, is a disappointment
what your god wants from me, he won't get.
what you want from me, you won't get.
and you'll never understand me.
you'll never know
it'll never be the same
i won't run to you and smile and be glad that you're home

it shouldn't be that way
but you built me this way.

i don't want to hate you
but your actions are unlovable.

about the last post

there's probably a word for that. so it wouldn't really be agoraphobia. that was the only thing i can think of.

attack of the panic

i think i have slight agoraphobia.
except i don't fear that it'll happen in public places. it's mainly fearing it at home.

i think my dad is the trigger.

strangers are not strange

why in this world have we taught our kids that family is important, but helping those that really need help should be ignored? we teach ourselves to be insensitive to those around us that are not blood. we teach ourselves to be selfish for our own benefit. yet we don't realize the greater benefit of helping someone out.

how easier, how peaceful, how warm the world would be if we learned to reach out instead of turning a cold shoulder.
so many people need help.

while most of us prepare for a nice Christmas with our extended families.. many will be fighting to live. fighting to find a warm place to stay and feel secure. how can we sleep at night knowing that many do not know where to go the next day?

this world is cruel.

when a friend says they need help--they mean it. don't feel like it isn't your responsibility. feel that it is an honor. make yourself feel the gratitude, humble yourself, and help each other. because if the shoe were on the other foot, you would not want to feel invisible or unimportant. you want to feel human. you want to feel like your living, not surviving.

this is my only wish that i want to be made. that we learn to help eachother. find it in our hearts that these people are not trying to harm us in any way, but only need to feel secure like we do.

all i can do is watch

it sucks. i wish i could do more. im the only one that really wishes that. and i have exhausted everything that i could have done.

i don't know what it feels like, but i empathize so much. i know you wish more people would understand. i wish i could put a gun to some people's foreheads to make them feel that helpless vibe.

i know saying these things doesn't really help. if i've been so quiet the last few days, i'm sorry. i'm just lost, but i can't even bring myself to say that to you. you don't need any of it.

i wish i could relieve you from everything.

Mary and Max

dark humor, but overall great movie. i read reviews saying that people couldn't get past the animation, but it's no kids movie. had me laugh quite a few times. i give it an 8/10. i don't know what i'm basing this on, but that's what i feel.



zSHARE video - Mary and Max. DVDRIPP - 2009.avi.flv

lost

today is one of those days where i just don't know what to do. here's a problem, and i don't know how to fix it. i hate that. but i know that i'm not feeling the worst of it, just witnessing it.

im sorry love. i wish i could give you the world because you deserve a break. you deserve to live. you deserve everything that you dream of. you deserve a life that's better for you.

just know, that i'm always gonna try and keep you from falling. i know you're falling now, but i'll never let go.

i'm not being selfish, and i know you think its the easy way out.


please don't let go.