thoughts -- oh that lovely crap we hide

Today, I thought about you

2010-11-08T00:47:00.001-08:00

I hate thinking about you. It's inconvenient, especially because I do not want to miss you. I do NOT want to miss that unhealthy relationship.

However, I cannot help but wonder how you are doing with life. No, I do not want to help you out anymore, but I do hope that you're not in a deep shit hole as well, and actually doing something productive. I don't even have your number anymore.

I could look you up on facebook, probably, and message you for it. But, I really do not want to go down that path. I really promised myself that the last time I would contact you, would be on your birthday, through a text, just to say happy birthday. I'm not reaching out anymore because I do not want it to seem like I still want you. I do not want you to think that I miss what we had. I do not want you to think that I'm going to try and break up whatever you got going on right now.

So, that's just why I thought about you. I cannot talk to you. I feel like we would not have much to say. I do wonder, if we will ever be friends again though. Would we be mature enough? I really was just trying to be friends again, but you thought I wanted more. Definitely. Not.

So I stopped texting you. Eventually lost your number when my phone erased them all. And I don't really care to get it back, unless you decide to randomly contact me. My number has never changed, but yours always does. Why? Cuz you could never pay your shit on time. So that's why, I do not want to talk to you. Because, while I do hope you're doing better, I want you to be having a shitty time as well.

That is why I can't talk to you. We can't be civil.

So the end.

I doubt you even think about me anyway.

Flickering light

2010-10-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

What if
space didn't matter
because Space technology finally made it easier.
Would that be easier to let our guards down?
Or faster to cement that last brick in the wall?
Would that accentuate the empty space within ourselves?

It would be too easy at that point, right?
Life is built for challenges, anyway.
We love to seek out the mirage in front of us,
and knowing we'll never reach it.

But what if
it's finally a reality
And you're disappointed?
Do we hide again because it's not worth it?
Pain?

Maybe we seek pain
just so we don't eternally feel empty.
Or maybe it's just my mind.
Finding pleasure after constant hurt and setbacks just to get a grasp
on what happiness might mean.

Why can't happiness be a feeling on its own? Only a constant comparison.
Why are we afraid?

Yet we continue to walk on, fully dressed in armor
Shield ourselves from the bright lights that eventually blow out.

shitfuckdamn

2010-10-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

So... I'm feeling a bit more vulnerable these days.
It has been that way for the past week or so, mostly.
That comes with letting one's guard down though, right?

Here I sit in front of the computer where I should be writing an essay on how our food system has fucked us over, but instead I sit here and think of you. I wonder what you're up to. (And that scares me.)

At least, I know the feeling is mutual. I know you're scared too, right? We cleared the air, and here we are. It's intense. Do we know what it means? Hm. Haha

We drifted a little. But you caught me. I was kind of fine, gambling with the thought of being alone, and thriving. Yet, this connection was a bit too much to just ignore. Am I right? Even when we didn't speak, I still had the urge to see what's up. I wanted to give you space though--and I'm not quite sure why. Probably my own defense mechanism. I'm always one to repress feelings. After all, why me? Why bother with me?

But then I think, why am I so hard on myself? Why not me? I can be pretty fucking amazing. So what you're seeing now, is something new. The fact that I am gaining some confidence in who I am, and what I deserve.

You understand me though. Even though it seemed like my feelings did come out of nowhere.

I am deathly afraid of being attached to you. Not because you're not amazing, but because you really are--and I enjoy every moment I get to speak to you. But this space issue. The space between us. That's tough. Mentally, we're pretty fucking close though. But is that enough compensation? I like to think it is... although I admit, without physically being around each other.. I really don't want to go crazy.

I guess it is just because I've been through this situation before. I fell hard. I sense that this very well may happen again. But again. The distance. No bueno. However, I feel it is not fair to hold back anymore. I've only been myself. I genuinely have these thoughts. I genuinely want to know you. I don't want to scare you away, at all. I want to keep making you smile, and laugh (among other things). I want to make you think about the world in a different light, although you already do that well enough on your own--And that's what gets me.

I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't stop talking to you. Or thinking about you.

Shit.
Fuck.
Damn.

It is what is though. I'm happy that we've gotten to know each other. Happy that it just started off with an offering of tacos. Crazy, huh?

Until I Move Out.

2010-09-24T18:44:00.000-07:00

It feels like I have to suppress my feelings.
Feelings about everything.
Family.
Friends.
People I like.

Because there's just no use in tackling these problems, if I cannot be independent.
Who the hell wants to deal with a girl that can't have a life? People want to have fun when they are interested in someone. They want to have a night out without having to worry about curfews.

It's not that I want to be older. I just want to be trusted.
I made a HUGE fucking mistake, and I guess I'm still paying my dues.

Whatever. I'll just repress anything sexual. Put it into an energy that will get me through school faster, get me money faster. So I can get the fuck away from here.

withering away

2010-09-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

what the hell happened?
...
nothing but cryptic talk.
skipping ever so delicately around.
back to the way things never were

stalemate.
my home.

a girl can dream.

2010-09-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

see price here

An Experience

2010-09-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

Walk. walk. walk.
Inhale. Savor. Exhale.

Forward to a setting where you're being drawn. Or not.
Totally high.
Strange music playing in the background, yet freezes in your ears. Drowning.
He stands so nonchalant. Sipping that coffee.
Calls my name and I'm totally gone. Oblivious.
And he eyes me.

Rewind. "Why go to the club, or parties.
I'd rather get high and see some fucking art."
I Agree. I'd love to be like Warhol.
Or be his factory girl.

Forward. Motherfucker, fuck me. Lover. THERE SHE WALKS,
With 2 curls laid out by each ear.
She's gorgeous.
Timer on. Ticking away. Slips out of the white cover.
Draw it all in. Inhale once again. Shit, stress while I float.
Charcoal dust flying from my finger tips. Falling from my canvas. Never. Never. Never.
She sees me look at her.
Avert my eyes. She's bare. Vulnerable.
I'm sorry.
Pose/sketch/pose/sketch/pose/sketch/pose/sketch/pose/sketch
Scribble. Detail. Shade
Tedious work.
Surface art and drugs.
Let me draw yours lines. Let me lay out the powder.
Let me draw your shadows. Let me breathe you in.
Let me draw your shell. Let me pass this.
Then break it, deeper
to vulnerability. to Fear.
Let me.
Or make me avert my gaze.

where do we go for an hour?
look at you. just like everyone else.
put you down. pick you up again. pass you around.
you stand still. twitch. sweat. try not to move.
ambitious. and delirious.
"Thanks. You were fabulous"

Life: art in the making, your drama, your problems, you are an altered reality. that is art.

[check] lady gaga concert tickets. lady gaga ass

2010-08-12T02:34:00.000-07:00

okay, well when i meant ass.. i probably meant sex. but i did get plenty of good looks at her ass tonight. well, (considering the time it is now) LAST night.

and i LOVED IT.

AFNA 2010 Irvine -- thurs-sat. im getting drunk every chance i get. and high if someone brings the good shit.

good.night.

dear you

2010-08-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

i'm finally coming to terms with it. and though, i know you'll probably never EVER come across this blog.. i just need to write it out.

we shared something that wasn't natural. we lived a life that most don't. we lived a secret. we were stuck in our own little world--literally. and even though it was me that initially *tried* to step out of the world, you were the one to truly put it behind you first. and here, i sat, dazed, delirious... regretting. but i knew one of us had to feel it first.

i guess it just hurt because when i found out, thats when i needed someone in my life. i thought i was losing my grandpa. and that piece of news from you, truly just dug deep and kind of just took me off my track. i finally felt that broken heart.

so i started to do things to get my mind off of you. get things done for myself, to make myself feel better. getting my lobes stretched. saving money for piercings and tattoos. hanging out with my friends more often--people that CARE about me and my well-being. not just people who call me up when no one else can help them. not just people that call me up because they need something for me to do for them. i can't believe i let myself be your bitch for so long. and now i feel even more stupid because im feeling hurt that you've moved on quicker than i did.

not to say, that i haven't met new people. its just that i haven't made that step. but maybe, thats YOUR insecurity. you NEED someone to be there for you. you NEED that intimacy because you don't know how to be alone. is it always like that for pretty girls?

you haven't heard from me since you texted me for a weed hook up. the last you'll hear from me is just a short happy birthday text in a few weeks. because i can't give a shit anymore. it's stupid. and you make me feel worthless.

but i know, i have other people. other people that i can chill with, sober and drunk. laugh and cry. and i can be me, without them being ashamed of me. in fact, they're happy to be around me. they were here before you were in my life, and they'll be here when you're forever gone.

if for some shit miracle happens where we become friends again, so fucking be it. but its not because im there to be your bitch again.

so goodbye, you. glad you have someone else to take care of your bitchwork. don't come crawling when they're tired of it.

im sure you'll have a fan base soon, and you'll never feel alone because you're doing the whole music thing. but hey, just don't lose yourself. whomever that may be, because i sure as hell don't know anymore. and just know that once you hit that point, alot people will be in your life for the wrong reason--if they aren't already. so. whatever, good luck.

sincerely,
me.

cigarillo

2010-07-20T23:57:00.001-07:00

por favor.
gracias.

ey

2010-07-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

too tired.
can't wait for my bed after this long ass day.
probably be home at midnight or some shit like that.

HMmmmmmmmmmmmmzzzz.. zzz.

glock and pop

2010-07-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

i didnt even get myself a free slurpee today.

life support

2010-07-11T00:20:00.001-07:00

apparently, they're going to take my grandpa off of life support today.

goood thing i drank as much as i could.
fuck.

i love you tatay. say hello to nanay for me.

i need to sleep.

2010-07-10T01:15:00.000-07:00

im in dire need of a "fuck it" day

2010-07-09T20:28:00.001-07:00

i need a day where i just don't give a shit about what ANYONE has to say.
i need a day to just be rude, because i'm tired of being the nice girl.
i need a day to just be belligerent drunk, and see how you like it.
i need a day where i don't hear any complaints about ANYTHING (especially stupid petty shit)
i need a day where i don't give a shit about whether i look good or not to you.
i need a day where the con-artists show their true identity.
i need a day where you bow down to me, and realize what you have in front of you.
i need a day to kick you to the curb, at least 100 times.
i need a day where i can laugh at you begging for forgiveness
i need a day, where i can just say "fuck it" and it doesn't matter anymore.

damn my broke ass

2010-07-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

even if i had just ONE dollar (and some change). i could get myself two tacos from jack in the box.

BUT NO.

and all my cigarettes are gone (thanks marlin, ass) so i can't smoke the hunger away.

mmm. life, you aren't tasty.

and someone just posted a pic of choc/vanilla swirl ice cream cone on facebook--THE TORTURE!

i should make a quick friend so they can buy me something to eat HAHA. yeah right, fuck people.

understanding self

2010-07-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

this was in my interpersonal communications text, and i liked it.

monday

2010-07-05T01:40:00.001-07:00

i'm gonna need you to say something.

2010-07-04T21:43:00.001-07:00

we want the wrong people to give a shit so much that we're oblivious and blind to those that do.

and those same people, are in our position, except we're now the wrong people that don't give a shit. and those people, have others, that do give a shit, but are forgotten.

so its a never ending cycle.

unless, by force of nature, you're perfect. and you're not blind to anybody, and see everyone.

but our actions are never perfect. never absolute. and ALWAYS create a chain that affects someone else.

think.
or don't.

someone pays for it in the end.

reverie

2010-07-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

i must be PMSing like hell, but im in one of the worst moods ever.

i just want to say "FUCK YOU" to almost everybody.

i want to say that i hate that you have me around your finger. that you probably always will. even though i'm the one that ended it. we created this life that i grew used to. you took me away from everybody, LITERALLY. everything will eternally remind me of you. i can still taste you. i can still smell you. and i want to get away from it all. i want to make more mistakes, but you hold me back and you're not even here. i want to be the hottest piece of shit around and i want you to regret never trying harder. and you know you'll always remember the way i touched you here. and there. everywhere. yeah, i fucking miss you, but the old you. whoever this girl is now, whenever i see her in front of me, it's a fucking stranger. and you expect me to just act like everything is PERFECT. everything is fine.

you know what? i liked hearing that you're sad, and in pain. i know that's wrong.

but fuck you. fuck that. fuck all relationships.

in fact. fuck everyone. we all have our own agenda. we take down people out of neccesity. and if we don't, we feel fucking lost because we're not in control. i should know because this is EXACTLY how i'm feeling.

so i don't want to float around.

but maybe i do want to break some hearts, more than just yours. maybe i just want to break mine. push myself towards a person that i KNOW will never love me. that i KNOW will never give me the time of day. because i know pain best.

the next person i'm with, will always hate the last person that had me. all this jealousy. but my core being just can't be a slut.

and jealousy when there isn't even SHIT there. don't get me fucking started on that.

i swear. i had a dream a few days ago where i thought i was dead (fuck, maybe i am). and that i'm just in fucking purgatory because you're all TORTURING ME to no ends. its like Wristcutters (the movie, or the book it was based on) for fucks sake. everyone is in this constant reverie around me. nobody is fucking happy or content. or my mind is fucking with me because none of you are real to me. so it just makes me wonder, the exact moment when my whole life changed for me. i shouldn't be home. i should be somewhere else GROWING. and not stuck at this constant level of stupidity.

where are my friends?

too busy trying to fix a relationship, or too busy trying to deny feelings.

get the fuck out of here with that shit!

i've never wanted to just SCREAM so much in my life. well, that's not true. you've made me want to punch things, even you. no one's ever made me want to do that. and i loved you. truly, truly loved you. i can't believe how GOOD i was to you.

but who the hell am i, now? i've changed so much. i've never feared the possibilities of life so much. what happened to the girl that had all this ambition, that wanted things better than the life she grew up with. isn't that the point of life? .. no, but we're taught to every fucking second of the day that life is supposed to constantly get better (with of course all the twists and turns and steep falls.. but in the end you're SUPPOSED to feel like you've gotten somewhere... ugh my ASS)

and then we realize, at some point, it's the same for a lot of people. it doesn't get much better than its already been.

i know. i'm only fucking 20. and i hate being this pessimistic.

maybe i need to surround myself with people that don't have such fucked up ways. with a clear thought in their head. not people just interested in a quick fuck, a quick high. but hey, that's me. so who the fuck am i to judge.

who am i to screen people like that, when i'm just the same. i'm no better than you. and you are no better than me.

just because you look better than me, proves nothing. you just attract people alot easier. who the FUCK cares.

what a fucking rant that makes no fucking sense. ugh fuckkkkkk life.

melancholy

2010-07-04T01:19:00.000-07:00

what is there to end.

blank

2010-07-01T00:17:00.001-07:00

Ten Things About You Right Now.

1. i've stopped drinking soda.
2. i should be studying
3. i'm excited about celebrating numerous bdays tonight
4. i'm listening to bossa nova.
5. i wish i went to EDC
6. i'm wearing my favorite pair of shorts
7. my striped shirt matches my striped socks <3 lol
8. my eye is itchy.
9. i'm ready to hop in the shower
10. i wish i were talking to someone.

Nine Things I Wish I Could Say To Nine Different People.

1. so where the hell have you been?
2. do you REALLY mean what you say..
3. we need to hang out fool!
4. tits
5. i miss you, and im glad you're healthy now
6. so when are you visiting me?
7. we need a trip to six flags, have a funnel cake fight, and scream our asses off
8. you're kinda really intimidating
9. we need to get our tattoos PRONTO

Eight Ways To Win My Heart... but really don't bother doing this stuff right now. so "Eight things I find ATTRACTIVE"

1. tattoos--and the reasons for them
2. long, luxurious hair. usually wavy and preferably dark. OMG.
3. piercings.
4. a creative mind
5. can talk about anything
6. handling your liquor
7. spending time to make yourself presentable--but not purely relying on your looks
8. applied ambition

Seven Questions That Cross My Mind.

1. What the hell am I really trying to do?
2. Do I really want to put myself through this?
3. Are you going to keep letting me down?
4. Am I ever going to get a second job?
5. Why did we stop talking?
6. Do you think I'm pretty? lol
7. Will I get to meet my idol?

Six Things I Do Before I Go To Bed.

1. shower
2. brush my teeth
3. stretch
4. check email/fb/all that shit.
5. text
6. yawn

Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me. i'm just gonna write type the first letter.

1. A.
2. D.
3. A.
4. C.
5. and i guess i have a vacancy.

Four Things I Am Wearing Right Now.

1. long shirt
2. bra
3. shorts
4. panties

Three Songs I Listen To A Lot, Lately.

1. kid cudi (steve aoki remix) - pursuit of happiness
2. ne-yo - beautiful monster
3. uffie ft. pharell williams - ADD SUV

Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die.

1. be on stage in front of thousands, and then stage dive.
2. fuck/date lady gaga =] <3 hahahaha. so serious.

One Confession.

1. i can't stand vodka. but i drink it anyway. as long as i have cranberry juice.

i am hungry.

2010-06-30T16:34:00.001-07:00

but the odd thing is, i made myself breakfast this morning. so that i WOULDN'T have this problem.

but im hungry. not terribly hungry, but i do have an appetite that im struggling to fill.

i only have a $1.25 in quarters. that can buy me a snack from a machine.. but.. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i want sushi. i want kbbq. i want a subway sandwich. i want in n out.

OH MY GOD.
let me go shut up my fat conscience.

When You Talk

2010-06-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

Can you just stay around,
While I'm trying hard to
To find and reach you now,
I am lost in this room

This place is very loud
Just quit wondering and go
Without feeling alone
Without caring that much

When you talk, I don't care what it means
Shouldn't just stare at you, should I?
When you talk, I don't care what it means
Shouldn't just stare at you, should I?

I know you think about
How you like to be seen
By everyone around
You're so pretty it hurts

I'll take you to the ground
And keep you down below
You deserve to be alone
You don't matter that much

When you talk, I don't care what it means
shouldn't just stare at you, should I?
When you talk, I don't care what it means

this song is for all those bitches. =] i think we all know someone like this.

i think this is meant for all those flings that go nowhere because its based on pure physical attraction and lust. yeah, sure, you're all fun and games honey--you're fun to look at, but you're just my appetizer.

so for all of you, that spend hours fixing yourself up to meet a certain stereotype (yes, i say stereotype and mean it) and don't spend hours on your life in the long run.. you will forever be just someone's appetizer. that, or you just want to be a trophy wife. or a mistress. who knows. you're young now, i know, so definitely live it.. but it's not always gonna be that way. or else you need to get yourself that billionaire who will buy you those countless surgeries and botox appointments to keep yourself RELEVANT.

however, if you take the time to beautify your MIND, then you'll always be relevant no matter what shoes, clothes, jewelry you're wearing.

here's why i think it didn't work out

2010-06-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

you were a completely different person with me. then when you were other people, you were someone else.

now, i know that's natural to a certain degree, but.. usually it shouldn't be such a DRASTIC change. so drastic, that when i would be in the presence of you and your friends, i felt slightly uncomfortable because you acted in a way i wasn't used to.

so why is that? why would you act this way, and then the other? which is real? are they both real? then why not be both in front of me?

its something so little, i know, but it makes a big impact. because i felt like i didn't know you anymore. because that's not the person i fell in love with. yes, you're physically you, but your attitude was totally different. that's what began to push me away. what happened? was acting a certain way too much, so that your true colors were finally showing?

then thats not fair to me, because i didn't get to learn about this person. i didn't get to learn to be affectionate towards this person. the person i loved was just a front. but then you took that down, and expected me to just switch gears. it doesn't work that way.

thats how i feel. and thats why i broke it off.

whats the use of making a bed

2010-06-25T22:56:00.001-07:00

to present yourself a clear mind?

meh.
what's the use of getting to know someone, when they'll probably run away.
i dare you to stay, but i also dare you not to get bored.

yeah, do that.
that's a terrible task.
because when it gets down to it, done to the core of my being, i'm nothing too interesting.
once you've figured it all out.
there's nothing more to dig through.
you'll hit a wall. the maze tragically ends. the smell of cheese is gone. there's nothing else to interest you in reaching that end.

so why should i make my bed, when there's no one to see it but me?

um

2010-06-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

pit stop.

all i want

2010-06-23T23:53:00.001-07:00

is you to be civil.

none of this is necessary.

some pictures from santa maria

2010-06-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

fear vs love

2010-06-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

so the only thing i really paid attention to in political science today was the niccolo machiavelli quote "it is better to be feared than loved"

well, me being a person that's all about affection, i was reluctant to agree. but then i thought about it.. and i believe it is true.

to be feared is alot more powerful than being loved. that means you are solely in control because it is innate for them to be scared or fearful. you do not have to interact with the person, for them to fear you.

to be loved means that you NEED that other person to give you that attention. so the control is solely by the counterpart, and not yours because they CHOOSE to love you. you cannot make someone love you. however, you can make someone fear you.

so i do agree with that statement.
does that mean i want people to be afraid of me? hmm. well not in the sense that i want to brutally kill them... but in the sense that i am overly intimidating. haha.

im totally intimidated by a lot of people, so......................

yeah.

think of it this way, no matter how much you love someone... in one point of time or another... it greatly impacts you BUT, i think its much easier to remember a time where you were scared shitless for your life--rather than a relationship. hmmmm.. but now that i think of it, with my relationships i was always fearful of the other person. for whatever reasons. sooo, i think fear is everywhere, but love is not. i dont know what the hell i'm saying anymore

i'm going to shut up now.

the end.

who knew.

2010-06-20T23:23:00.000-07:00

so this girl is sad because she thinks she lost my attention.

well, there probably is truth to that, but she didn't do much to try and keep it there anyway.
i'm not going to waste time chasing people--especially because im going back to school, don't have time for that shit. again, that doesn't mean i don't want to get to know people. there's a HUGE difference.

i just think its funny how one day she was totally like omg be my girlfriend, and then after that, she didn't really bother to say much haha.

plus, blatantly saying "you're going to be my gf" without really getting to know me, is a huge turn OFF. like, i get it, you're pretty, you're confident in yourself, but.. so what? i've dealt with pretty people, and they're SO boring--or just act REALLY stupid because they think they're immune to everything (am i the only one noticing this trend?).

once i get used to your face, there's not so much to appeal after that. unless you have an amazing personality... but there's just something about girls who hugely rely on their beauty tending to forget that. and it's pretty annoying. i mean, i could work on a girl and try and make herself better.. buttttttttt im fucking LAZY. (besides, if they wanted to truly be a better person, they'd do it themselves. pretty damn positive thats the way it works)

either that, or all they want is sex.
*shrug*
who knows what the hell is in store for me.

i dont know where i'm going with this.
but all i want right now is a cigarette.

OH, one more thing. i kinda hate it when people act like being single is the worst thing ever.
like, cmon. you can't live your life tethered to someone's hip. that was me the last 2 years, and i totally LOST myself. and shit went down the drain.

this just could be me ranting because i'm not ready for some big commitment again.
that's my imperfection right now though. because i know if i get into a relationship THIS INSTANCE, i will fuck it up. not by cheating or anything like that. but by doing the exact same shit i did with amber. lose myself. become that person's bitch.

so. i'm just being me.
and i don't want to deal with you if you're gonna be sad that i didn't talk to you for X amount of days.

the end.

rifle tits

2010-06-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

EDIT.

officially, 51 days til i see her. will probably be the best day of my life?

that is, until we have sex. hahahahahaha.

an old poem

2010-06-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

i found this on my deviantArt page, i totally forgot about it. i don't even remember who i wrote this for? apparently written in November 2005.

I wish i could tell you you're beautiful

my hair cascades my eyes

to hide my imperfections

my shy ways block my true passions

my spirit is the wind

and i pass you by and then

glance back

and sigh.

i'm the reason why you shiver

in the cold streets

lonesome.

i'm the one cloud in the sky

blocking the sun.

your warmth is transparent

yet clearer than day

and shine so bright.

i wrap myself around you

as the cold wind hugs your frame

and you feel lost.

your flame has blown out

and i still worship you.

don't worry my dear

the sun will drown into the horizon

as well

and the essence will overflow you

with the pink light blushing your cheeks

and you will hear my last words

echo with sweetness.

moar

2010-06-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

still have yet to get pics from santa maria trip.

good times.

however, i will not let myself sulk because school starts tomorrow.

i think the celica is ready to be driven though?

watch them steal that shit again. =

hm

2010-06-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

since i don't feel like writing much today, i will showcase pictures that i have stolen from other people's cameras =]

title: Match My Heart

2010-06-16T02:44:00.000-07:00

get it?

cuz they're matches.

i actually watched the game yesterday

2010-06-16T02:23:00.000-07:00

only the first half.

the end.

eternally in the "Friend's" zone

2010-06-10T20:19:00.001-07:00

hahahaha, sorry I just have to laugh at myself for a second... okay. Well I doubt anyone will read this, but I just feel like writing. It’ll probably be very long.

Don’t you have that one friend in life that you've just always stuck around with?

I’m kind of in that situation. I met this girl when I was a freshman in high school through a mutual friend after admiring from afar. (Yes, one of THOSE situations...). It was an INSTANT attraction. Just something about her, made me want to get to know her. I wasn't quite sure in which way, but those newly aware teen hormones were acting up... so probably in a way that (at that point in my life) I have never known anyone.

So the epic tale starts with little freshman me at an event, and I see her--this short edgy girl, with short black hair parading around. I tell my friend (who was a senior) that I think she's SUPER hot. Little did I know that they were best friends in elementary school. And so, he proceeds to call her over. I glare at him, like omg wtf, oh shit.

He grabs her attention, and immediately comes over, and sits right next to me. They proceed to catch up with each other. Anyways, I found out she was a keyboard player for a metal band, but she was talking to him (though I was sitting in between them) and not directly to me. However, I chimed in anyway and said oh shit, I play piano. Or something like that. I don't know exactly what I said; I just remember that anything that came out of my mouth that night was probably stupid. And whenever I would say something it didn’t help that she kind of just glared at me. I couldn't help it, I was so intimidated. I was this shy, quiet, little freshman girl. And she was this gorgeous, sly senior. And she was sitting RIGHT next to me. So I just kind of looked forward, trying not to stare at her, and trying not to just look at my friend. And I just tried to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the night.

WELL, that night ended. And then I figured out that my best friend also met a girl that she thought was SUPER hot, and started coming to our steel drum band's practices. And guess who it was? Super hot edgy girl! But I’ll address her as Honey D.

So Honey D recognized me when I finally showed up to a practice that I was able to make. She kind of smirked at me, and I melted. I muttered a "hi", or something, who knows. We had sort of chatted on aim before that day of practice, so by this time I knew that she was bisexual and single. So during breaks at practice, I would be at my drum looking over my music, and she would walk over to me and play with my hair. The power this girl had on me! Eventually she knew I had my crush on her, and wanted to go out on a date with me.

However, our schedules clashed horribly. And that never happened. Honey D went on to have her boyfriends and what not, and I continued to just kick myself in the head.

We still talked on aim every now and then. She hit me up again maybe a year or two later. We were both single and it was nearing Halloween. So she asked me if I wanted to go out with her for the night. We held hands. We got ourselves a bunch of candy. I stole a tombstone and a sword for her. She proceeded to smack my ass with that sword. There was no kiss. But it was still a fun night for me. However, things after that, though I may have gotten close.. nothing ever happened.

So I moved on, met a new girl, which I eventually had a two year relationship with. Honey D met herself a new guy, and they seemed to have a good thing going on as well, except he lived in New York. So I get an invitation one day from Honey D, saying that it’s her farewell party because she was moving to NY, and that I should come and bring my girlfriend with me. I wanted to go, but my gf wasn’t feeling it, so I didn’t have a chance to give a proper goodbye.

Anyways, fast forward to today. Honey D is still in New York, and I’m still here in California. Honey D broke up with the boyfriend (I helped her through that), and I broke up with my girlfriend (she helped me through that). We’ve managed to become really great friends again. We bonded over our obsession with Lady Gaga over the last year. Anyways, Honey D is one of the hardest working people I know. She works 60+ hours a week, so she’s definitely a hustler, always has been, always will. That’s what I love about her. She’s also trying to make a name for herself in the music business.

And that’s where I come into the picture again. She knows I have a creative bone in my body, so I’ve become one of her personal assistants and her art director. She just wants me out there to live with (because it’s kind of hard to be a personal assistant while being on opposite coasts), so that I can physically push her to perform on a stage, and pull up girls for Honey D to violate on stage.

Well, I’m eternally in the “friend’s” zone with this girl—but that's okay. We're going to help each other dominate the world. I hope the world is ready for you Honey D.

sometimes i wonder..

2010-06-08T02:23:00.001-07:00

sometimes i wonder..

if you're just a part of my imagination.
i've been through this exact feeling before,
and i feel very reluctant about stepping forward.

i've made reckless decisions in the past that have given me bursts of happiness, but after time, the magic always fades. things really weren't what they seemed to be.

i have this wall up, but every now and then i peek out.
i stare you down, to really understand you. to just try and see if you are what you say you are.
i can't tell... after all, why would you talk to me? *shrug*

but there's a definite attraction. and it's more than just looks.
yes, at first, that is what pulled me in.
i am just lost for words though.

part of me, just wants to not deal with this bullshit, and not even give a damn.
i'm supposed to be focusing on me...
but everyday, i want to talk to you.

oh, lynn. you make things more than they are, and worry for no reason. get over it.
thank you, conscience. that's all i needed to hear..

guard.

2010-05-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

there's a wall now. i refuse. i felt fine. i'll keep appearing that way. but now, i just can't trust anyone.

humanity, i would love to get in a ring with you, and just give you my all.
really, just thank you. why do you make me question all my relationships. why do you make me wonder if they were genuine?

humanity, just punch me. just knock me out. you've done it before. just do it one last time.

inside, there's just too much. i can't bear it to anybody. i can't trust you. nobody. it's not like anyone can do anything. we all have our shit. we all have our problems. we're all preoccupied.

chasing people. not worth it.
wanting people. not worth it.

inside, i will remain pessimistic.
but i will keep a front, so that nobody bugs me. nobody asks stupid questions that don't want to be answered.

don't pry and try to figure me out.
just let me live this life.
i patiently wait for the end.

2010-05-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

im so done with california.

i have different perspective on people now that i do not have a car.
its like all of a sudden i am not a mode of transportation, i can't do shit for you anymore, so you disappear.

lovely. thanks. sorry im not a car.

2010-05-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Me

ugh i want to go to weho!

FAB

me too, damn i need a man soooo bad

Me

hahaha

i just want something FUN

if thats a person, fine

if thats alcohol, im all for it

FAB

ignore my seeming desperation and associate it as me joking

Me

if its dancing, yes please

i want to kiss somebody actually

kissing is fun

so is cuddling

i want to cuddle

FAB

i want someone to surprise me with something cute

Me

what justifies as cute

like a cupcake?

FAB

just a gesture i would appreciate

Me

a lap dance

hahahaha

im kidding

_____________________________________________________________________

Me

i think all i need is a cute person

to just stare at

FAB

i want that but i do need a lot more

Me

yeah..

i want to be a really cute chic girl, that everybody just finds so fascinating

FAB

i want a nonthreatning hipster boy who is really sweet but also very witty, and appreciates my sense of culture and humor

Me

hahaha i just want to be amazing. right now i just want to say fuck people, except for friends of course

converse, rehearse.

2010-05-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

FAB

i think it all comes out with a nice smoke

Me

haha what do you mean

FAB

it makes me feel introspective and reveal things about my life

Me

oh yes, i agree

haha i feel like eveytime i smoke, i should be filmed in black and white

i just stare in the camera

glare immensely

and then say random things that make me wise

and everybody falls in love with me

kind of like a factory girl.

FAB

yes and a raspy voice narrates the troubles of my life

Me

yes yes yes

pride 2010

2010-05-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

i finally went to pride. i really wanted to go last year, when i was with amber, but that didnt work out cuz we were broke.

but this year, i got to go with friends. it's interesting. im really tired right now. so maybe i'll update about that tomorrow.

transient

2010-04-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

the truth is, i've been trying so hard to detach myself from you. and for the past few weeks, i thought i had a grip on that.

i still know where i stand, and i know i am not going to put up with it.
it's just the fact that after these years, after everything.. EVERYTHING.. i can't believe that i don't see anything positive in you. well, not necessarily all true, but the negatives greatly outweigh the positives.

i guess for too long, i've let myself tip the balance in your favor. but i can't. when i let it go, it horrifies me with the truth it speaks.

i try not to think about you, but you're everywhere.
i try not to talk about you, but everyone asks me about you.
i cant even listen to certain songs anymore. and now you're trying to make music.

i hate the power that you have over me. i hate that i still care for you, and probably always will. but i hate that after all i've done, after i can't help you any longer.. that me leaving you, wasn't enough spark to get you walking in the right direction.

i don't want us. that's not my goal anymore. we had us. i want you, to be a better you. there's no other way for me to say it. and i can't say it in a way that you'd want to hear.

what did you gain from me? what was the purpose of me? what was the purpose of our relationship? why did you stray if i meant so much? why risk that?

of course i don't forget. i only forgot because you needed someone. you needed to know someone that truly cares. someone who wouldn't leave you behind. you needed support, and i bent over backwards over and over.

and even when i finally detached myself from you. you're still there.

so i hope you're happy. you wanted someone you can control. i was your bitch. i thought the love i had for you, and the love i thought you had for me would mask it.

what we had was great. but something went wrong.

i can't anymore. i just can't.

2010-03-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

don't need to know whether you love, hate, despise, cherish... whatever. just don't diss ME. i obviously put a lot of work into it.. yeah, its still not perfect, but people are just fucking RUDE.

tired.

2010-03-27T23:05:00.001-07:00

cupcake visited.

me tired.

one thing i can gladly check off my drunken checklist.

2010-03-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

~~lady gaga concert ticket.~~

MINE. see you 8/11 mama monster.

see drunk checklist here

my night, what the hell happened?

2010-03-17T20:09:00.001-07:00

well today is st patricks day. i have nothing exciting to say. except that i had to meet amber's mom today. awkward yes, indeed.

well, i SHOULD be working on a research paper. but this house proves to be too noisy for my concentration, and i probably won't work on it until everybody sleeps.

yesterday was the hottest day ever.
yesterday was the first time i tried jager.
yes, it does taste like black licorice. yes, it goes down smoother than vodka. yes, i still drank it.

i felt good, to be honest. i haven't felt that happy in a while. to be with friends and just have everyone be happy. nothing to worry about. just to escape for a few hours. it was liberating. i barely remember what i talked about. but apparently i was pretty loud and touchy-feely. but i guess, who isn't a bit different after helping kill a newly opened bottle of jager that had been in the freezer since november? ..yeah, exactly.

no, i didn't pass out. no, my clothes didn't come off. just my sweater because i was sooo damn warm. and the a/c was on. and it was night already. i have tiny burns on my hand though, i probably fucked up with a cigarette. im glad honey d bailed me out before i got any worse. THEN, who knows what couldve happened. i wouldn't have been able to drive home that is. well, maybe.. it's not like we had much to drink anyway. except neither of us had eaten ANYTHING. except for maybe a few cookies.

those cookies didn't help later, now that i think about it. because we eventually were pretty hungry. and it was so dry. bleh.

i wish i could've lived that night just a little longer. oh well. til another time. doubt that'll be my birthday, but im glad i got some form of inebriation.

Bravery

2010-03-14T19:26:00.001-07:00

Bravery

Posted using ShareThis

bunnies

2010-03-12T11:40:00.000-08:00

i made two bunny friends yesterday.

one was little--not a baby, but not an adult-- it was sooooo cute. it let me hold it. sometimes. apparently skyflakes are part of a bunny diet. i wanted to steal it. it sniffed my bag, and i was like yesss, you know you want to come with me.

then i went to feed the big ones. they're fat and squishy.

the end.

a month

2010-03-02T22:58:00.001-08:00

how is it march already? what the fuck?

20 in a month. if only it were to be 21. i'd leave.

i had a rather disturbing dream a few days ago. i don't want to talk about it.

come to think of it. i don't want to talk about a lot of things.

=[

2010-03-01T15:27:00.001-08:00

he sold the bike.
=[

cafe world

2010-02-28T20:14:00.000-08:00

has taken over my life.

i should be productive and spend this time for homework. or maybe just writing. or playing piano. or anything, really.

sigh

edit/edit/edit/edit

okay, this post is lame, so i'm going to fatten it up. like butter on bread. anyways.

I feel like I should expand more on what I think about the internet. Ingenuity, yes, but its slowly killing us. It ages the young and innocent. It bares all without censorship. It creates a faulty utopia. It breaks love without being found.

We think we have control of it. But rather, it has its hand on us. We are ruled by this digital world. We are trapped in a different dimension. We can't even talk to the person standing in front of us without stopping to answer a text message.

Yes, we are so advanced digitally, but now we lack reality. We go crazy without a cell phone. A little piece of us dies when our computers crash, or the server is down. The world has come so far, that now we're broadening the spaces between us. We don't have to interact like we used to. We don't have to talk on the phone like we used to. We just type.

And here I am. Using the internet. Living in this faulty utopia. I have been scathed by it. I have been lost within it. I have been toyed within it. I am probably being exploited as well. I have made DUMB decisions with something so simple. I used to have high hopes for you, Internet. But you've fucked me over.

maturity, wisdom, common sense

2010-02-19T19:23:00.000-08:00

2010-02-19T19:06:00.001-08:00

i love you gaga.
im sorry that most people don't understand why you did the song this way. i understand it all. it all makes sense and its beautiful and absolutely perfect. im sorry for your loss.

2010-02-16T20:18:00.000-08:00

i still wish i had the money for this bike. i kind of think the red tires are a bit much, but it was a frame built for my size.

well, at least i have the schwinn on hold.
i plan on making that a really nice bike.

i've been stuck in thought

2010-02-15T22:43:00.001-08:00

what is with all the existentialism? what provoked all this?
why do i want to get rid of it all?
why this, why that, why why

sometimes being left to myself is not the best thing.
i remember vividly the conversations that i can have in my head.
i start to question EVERYTHING.
it really is not good. i don't want to slip into that again. i'm trying.

i was close to just fucking up the day with a session of good stuff. gladly, i was wise not to give in. gladly, something came up, and kept me from doing that. im proud to say that i got my rough draft done. it's not exactly half assed, it's not perfect, but thats what the rough drafts are for. 4 hours for 2 pages? i'm horrible at this.

although i just ended up going home today instead of hanging out... i still wanted to be around people, around friends. to just not think for a while. that's what i need. a vacation from my mind. i think thats what pot does for me. it gives me a vacation. its a bit selfish, its a bit dumb, but its a bit amazing with the wonders it does. i say that very carefully, not to come off as some pothead. i mean, what defines a pothead anyway? someone who's always stoned, lazy, eats too much, does too little, laughs too much? no.. that's not me.. well maybe not all the time at least. there's so many negative connotations with this drug, i think its pretty funny. but in reality, everyone's had some sort of interaction with it. whatever. if anything, i treat marijuana just like i treat alcohol. responsibly. thats all that matters in the end, right? doing something responsibly. not doing stupid shit. not endangering others, and whatnot.

ugh, im just on edge, and im freakin tired of it. everything is pushing me just a bit more and more than it should.

i wonder what if i just left. lived somewhere else. started a new life. that wouldn't solve any of the problems, i know, but what if? who would i become? will the same problem arise? will the conflicted conscience make the move counterproductive? will i ever be sane? will i.. will i..

will i be left to do what i want? or am i so far gone that there isn't anything i can do?

you see, this has been happening all weekend. question after question. minutes of headache. sulk. laziness. and then a need for distraction.

STUCK.

sad reality

2010-02-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

i can never be myself here.
i can never be me in front of you
never be in love, in front of you
only can i hide it
put on a mask for you
submerge my true self for you
drown my life, for you
just to be happy
is to kill myself.

i can't exist
without you being sad.

-to my parents.

*sigh

so what's the solution? obviously, i can't end it. life that is. i can't end what i really am. i can't keep hiding it. my mind is tortured enough with the past. my mind can't handle my split personas. sure, its used to it, but i just know that i'll lose myself in entirety. so is my existence defined by my two selves? can i exist just with one or the other? one is comfortable, its what i've lived forever, but its a lie. the other is a risk. i risk everything previous to it.

what does it mean to exist, what IS the point of existence when its only defined by opposition? existence is conflict. drama. heartbreak.

happy valentines day

2010-02-14T20:30:00.001-08:00

first bike ride

2010-02-13T07:57:00.001-08:00

No, sadly, it isn't mine. Yet.

So yesterday I was bored while Amber was at work, so I called up my friend Johnny who owns tons of bikes, and see if he wanted to hang out. He's the lucky bastard that owns that beautiful masi bike, so I wanted to see it for myself. I forgot to take a picture of it, but it pretty much looks exactly like the picture in the other post, except it is red where it is white on the picture, and it had a better seat. I was so jealous. I wanted to ride it, but it was too big for me. This guy's like 6' so yeah, that's not going to work. I marveled at its glory, and then he said he'd show me the little bike which was tucked away in the car because they went fishing at Lake Paris just the other day. I swear man, this guy has an interesting life. He's supposed to go camping today.

Anyways, I helped him take all the crap out of the car, while he took the boat off of the roof. And there it was, the little bike. Schwinn Traveler. So he put on the wheels, and there it was right before me--finally a bike that didn't look too big for me. Don't know how many gears, I couldn't even really figure out how to use the gears haha. Sad. First ride was a bit uncomfortable, the seat was a bit off, almost fell, but didn't--glad I didn't, how embarrassing would that be. He adjusted that problem. So yeah, btw Johnny's a huge pothead, so this is where the bike ride comes in. He wanted to go ride to his friends place because his friend wanted to buy some weed. So I was like yeah okay sure, just let me get comfortable riding the bike. So he went in to go change while I rode around the neighborhood.

Yeah, we rode around CSULB. He tried to bust a fixie trick, but failed. Of course the bike I was riding wasn't fixed, so I just watched him fail. First stop was at his friend Antonio's, first time meeting the guy. Johnny needed his air pump for his back tire. Oh yeah, he (Johnny) talked about how he randomly met this other rider, who apparently is a photographer for some magazine, and said that he's going on a bike ride (today) with them and take pictures. So he put more air in, and we left to go to Brenden's (also a guy whom I just met that day, and the guy that really wanted to get the herb).

Met Brenden. He's a 6' + tall asian guy. Kind of threw me off. Met his mom, Vanessa. Then met his dad, don't know his name... but I know that he does tattoos, and needs hours to put in--so maybe I'll have this guy do my first tattoo. I didn't get to see his work though. While Johnny was putting the bikes in the back, his back tire popped. Yeah, the one that he decided to put more air in. That blows. haha. literally.

So yeah, then we left the house in Brenden's car. He went to the atm to get some money, while Johnny looked for a hook up. We killed time in Border's. They played Magic (you know, that game) and I read dirty, politically incorrect sex jokes, that were more stupid, than funny. So I ended up flipping through the FAILnation book. No reading, just pictures of fail. Such as a street named, "Golden Rain" hahaha.

Anyway, after that finally got in contact with our person. Drove to Walgreen's, but on the way there Johnny blasted "Party In The USA" while we drove down Lakewood blvd .. I'm glad to say that this was the only time I've ever heard this song in entirety--ONLY because I was forced to. That was horrible. But funny nonetheless. Yeah by this time, I wasn't really feeling like getting stoned, especially because I had to pick up Amber in a few hours. They were planning on getting real fucked up too. He bought an 8th and planned on smoking most of it. Dude.. why would you waste your money like that in one day? I'd make that shit last.

But yeah, so they went back to Johnny's place to pick up Bruce, the guy he lives with. Met Bruce, but said I had to get going. I didn't really have to go, and it wasn't that I didn't want to smoke, I mean, I never turn that stuff down really, I don't mind it at all.. but not when I have to drive. Plus, didn't want it to get to a point where they were too stoned to drive me back to my car, and have Amber be pissed that I couldn't pick her up in time. So I said I'd hang out with them next time for sure. Bruce offered the camping trip, and while that could be fun, I don't have parents that would let me go on a weekend trip with only boys. Hahaha.

So yeah, then I drove off to Carson. Parked in Anderson Park because Amber works at DHL just down Wilmington. Took a nap, and waited for her to call me.

Fun day. She got her check, we had some taco bell. She had four taco supremes with extra cheese. hahaha damn. i just had a chicken burrito haha. Dropped her off, then came home.

Btw, r.i.p. lee mcqueen. you were too brilliant to just leave like that. and r.i.p. to the georgian luger that died in practice. and sorry that the olympics and newspeople didn't practice discretion with overplaying the clip. =\

On a better note. I've been reading this webcomic every single day since tuesday. A friend posted a link to it, and I love it. Questionable Content You don't exactly have to read it from the beginning. At first I started at the very recent one, and read the previous. But then decided to start from the veeeeeeery beginning. And it goes by pretty fast, because its so funny. I'm on #425 right now.

But yeah.. I need to get to work now. What a long post.

OH, and the bike. He said he'd sell it normally for 200, but for me, I can get it for 130. So I need to scrounge up some moneyyyyyy

i died a little

2010-02-03T12:36:00.000-08:00

this, this right here. this is a masi speciale fixed ltd drop. i love everything about it. the color scheme. the drop bars. over all clean look. and one of my friends, lucky bastard, has one.

damn you. damn you.

if only i had a grand.

the stoned

2010-01-29T14:33:00.000-08:00

live with love and admiration

you just don't get it

2010-01-12T18:34:00.001-08:00

you don't. you don't get me. you don't understand me AT ALL. and you should. you really should.

here i am, bought something that i know you'd like, and waiting to surprise you with it... but now all i can think about is just throwing it at all wall.

why do we make each other angry.

tired?

2010-01-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

why has it become so dull.
maybe things just dont transfer well over the phone.
does this make you crazy, like it does me?

silence.
tiredness.
awkward.
distance
and more.

i know we both want it better.
but what we want to change, is different.

hello new year

2010-01-09T23:04:00.000-08:00

set ups and introductions.

2009-12-27T13:06:00.000-08:00

today i forced myself to go to church. i would've gotten into an argument with my dad about NOT going, but honestly, i did not have the energy.

but that's beside the point. i thought going to church would be the only downfall of the day.
never think too soon.

so the hour passes, thinking that I am free. On my way out of the church after hugging my uncles, aunties and grandpa, my dad runs into his retired ex-coworker. The old creeper will not stop looking at me and immediately reaches for my hand and tries to pull me in for one of those kisses on the cheek --as if we were related or something. So he asks me the usual crap, what school I'm attending, and what I'm majoring in. I tell him. Then he starts talking about his son, and that he just graduated. I'm like oh okay, that's cool. All while he's looking at me, and I just feel like he really wants something from me. My dad's trying to talk to him and stuff, but he always goes back to me.

So my dad says that we'll see him later and blah blah blah, but then the guy wants our number. Great. While my dad is writing it down, he asks me if I have a boyfriend. Well, i tell the truth, I don't. but i do have a girlfriend that i've been with for almost 2 years.. but of course, will not say that.. especially in front of a church.

So now he's all excited, without trying to show it, but it shines through his words more than ever. He says that if he calls my dad to hang out, that I should come with, and meet the family.. aka, his son. His 25 year old son.

*barf*

I'm sure the guy is nice, but please. We're all adults here, no one needs setting up. I am NOT having your grandkids.

bleh.

avatar.

2009-12-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

just saw this movie. I will say.. amazing. Yes, if you look past the extraordinary, the story is cliche.. but you must watch this movie for its FULL package .

it did lack in the plot for character development. i will admit i can't remember most of their names except for Jake, Neytiri, and Tsutey. but that just makes me watch again and again. or expect a sequel that will delve more deeply into this world.

good job mr. cameron. you make me want to write again.

i loathe you.

2009-12-22T21:59:00.001-08:00

get off my back.
let me breathe
im doing the stuff that i have to
let me do it
let me breathe
let me live
fucking let me live.
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you.

i can't stand to be around you
because i know that deep down i am a disappointment
what i am, what you don't know, is a disappointment
what your god wants from me, he won't get.
what you want from me, you won't get.
and you'll never understand me.
you'll never know
it'll never be the same
i won't run to you and smile and be glad that you're home

it shouldn't be that way
but you built me this way.

i don't want to hate you
but your actions are unlovable.

about the last post

2009-12-22T21:58:00.000-08:00

there's probably a word for that. so it wouldn't really be agoraphobia. that was the only thing i can think of.

attack of the panic

2009-12-21T23:43:00.000-08:00

i think i have slight agoraphobia.
except i don't fear that it'll happen in public places. it's mainly fearing it at home.

i think my dad is the trigger.

strangers are not strange

2009-12-21T00:08:00.001-08:00

why in this world have we taught our kids that family is important, but helping those that really need help should be ignored? we teach ourselves to be insensitive to those around us that are not blood. we teach ourselves to be selfish for our own benefit. yet we don't realize the greater benefit of helping someone out.

how easier, how peaceful, how warm the world would be if we learned to reach out instead of turning a cold shoulder.
so many people need help.

while most of us prepare for a nice Christmas with our extended families.. many will be fighting to live. fighting to find a warm place to stay and feel secure. how can we sleep at night knowing that many do not know where to go the next day?

this world is cruel.

when a friend says they need help--they mean it. don't feel like it isn't your responsibility. feel that it is an honor. make yourself feel the gratitude, humble yourself, and help each other. because if the shoe were on the other foot, you would not want to feel invisible or unimportant. you want to feel human. you want to feel like your living, not surviving.

this is my only wish that i want to be made. that we learn to help eachother. find it in our hearts that these people are not trying to harm us in any way, but only need to feel secure like we do.

all i can do is watch

2009-12-17T23:06:00.000-08:00

it sucks. i wish i could do more. im the only one that really wishes that. and i have exhausted everything that i could have done.

i don't know what it feels like, but i empathize so much. i know you wish more people would understand. i wish i could put a gun to some people's foreheads to make them feel that helpless vibe.

i know saying these things doesn't really help. if i've been so quiet the last few days, i'm sorry. i'm just lost, but i can't even bring myself to say that to you. you don't need any of it.

i wish i could relieve you from everything.

Mary and Max

2009-12-16T01:06:00.000-08:00

dark humor, but overall great movie. i read reviews saying that people couldn't get past the animation, but it's no kids movie. had me laugh quite a few times. i give it an 8/10. i don't know what i'm basing this on, but that's what i feel.

zSHARE video - Mary and Max. DVDRIPP - 2009.avi.flv

lost

2009-12-03T17:31:00.001-08:00

today is one of those days where i just don't know what to do. here's a problem, and i don't know how to fix it. i hate that. but i know that i'm not feeling the worst of it, just witnessing it.

im sorry love. i wish i could give you the world because you deserve a break. you deserve to live. you deserve everything that you dream of. you deserve a life that's better for you.

just know, that i'm always gonna try and keep you from falling. i know you're falling now, but i'll never let go.

i'm not being selfish, and i know you think its the easy way out.

please don't let go.

my hands are really cold.

2009-11-28T00:45:00.000-08:00

if only i had one of those.

...

2009-11-24T21:45:00.000-08:00

he bats flies
he rakes leaves
what happened to the man that used to breathe.

did time take you away
did time take her away
you have no idea
you have no idea
what you used to be

they shout at you
so that you'd listen
they look down
but i say let him be

you used to take care of me
you used to pick me up from school
now you see a stranger in front of you
I see a stranger in front of me

you used to ride your bike everywhere
i'd always hear a cog spin and know it was you
your bike is gone now
so are you

i remember her decline
and now i'm watching yours

i watch you through the window
still raking the leaves
is that all there is now?
leaves before you leave.

are you picking them up because you know you're falling?
it's okay.

booty.

2009-11-23T22:45:00.001-08:00

finallyyyy.

like the good ol' days.

lessrest.

2009-11-23T01:14:00.000-08:00

my back, just under my right shoulder, hurts like a bitch. it has hurt for the majority of sunday, and is now going into monday.

i have no idea why.
why?

so i really want music back in my life. but i have no idea how to get started.
i still want to write. i still want to draw.

and the stupid thing is, i have nothing but time right now. and i don't know how to use it.

so i was reading comments on the AMA performances. and by performances, i mean mainly two performances. the ones that stood out. the ones that most right-wing, close-minded, family oriented people absolutely HATE because they feel that these two (gaga and adam) are less talented. therefore, their use of outrageous stage theatrics--"shock value" i've read many times--are keeping people entertained rather than talented musicians itself.

yes, they have a point to an extent. but that does not make them any less talented. honest, i didn't really pay attention to adam's performance (never paid attention to him at all). sure, it was provocative. we obviously already knew he was gay. but still, america can't handle that being shoved in their face. or rather him shoving his crotch into dancers faces and sticking his tongue down someone's throat. okay, so what? i think ive seen worse on local tv during prime times. threesomes and high school kids. but, THATS okay. *shakes head*

yes, i understand that people have kids. but they have bedtimes. they shouldnt have been up anyway. and if they saw it, you could've easily changed the channel.

as for gaga's performance. and gaga in general.

there is no in between. you either love or hate her. i love her. and i like to read the comments of those who disagree. "she's outrageous". i agree, and so does she. "she uses theatrics to get ahead". i agree, and its genius. "she can't perform live" are you kidding me? don't you hear her SING? don't you see her actually playing that piano?? yeah so what its burning, and she's breaking bottles on it.. hey, she's fucking original. yeah, so it's more than just music thats she's creating. she's creating a world that she's sharing to her fans. she has a mystique that makes everybody want to know what she's going to do next. she is art. she is fashionable music.

i think the people that hate her are just afraid of her power because she's working this music business right. they feel she's faking it. well, its a persona, yes, but.. isn't that obvious? its entertainment, its savvy, its chic. she's giving you a movie, a rollercoaster ride, just fucking sit down and let her take you through it all.

music is tired of bubble gum over compressed pop anyway.

she's created her own genre, therefore, she's doing everything right. she doesn't need to stick to standards--and she shouldn't.

gaga is bringing it down.

oh well, if you hate her, you'll still probably have to deal with her being around due to her loyal fanbase.

but the girl really does have chops. don't let the bloody fashion detract too much attention from what's coming out of her mouth.

haus always wins.

2009-11-22T23:06:00.000-08:00

all i can say is.
fuck. yes. fucking brilliant.
and this made every other performance that night just unworthy. and quite bland.

the end.

ps this performance scared the shit out of my mom.

..

2009-11-21T16:17:00.000-08:00

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."
--audrey hepburn

respect

2009-11-21T16:14:00.001-08:00

do you still have gas in your car?

yes.

'yes dad'. oh my god, you don't respect me anymore.

the feeling is mutual.

"Stars were made to suffer, and I am a star"

2009-11-20T22:22:00.001-08:00

--Jayne Mansfield

go to sleep already

2009-11-20T02:21:00.001-08:00

im pretty sure ive made an ass of myself this whole night.

i'm pretty much amazing

2009-11-20T00:48:00.001-08:00

and there's nothing you can do to stop me

=]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

im back again..with a checklist

2009-11-19T20:58:00.001-08:00

..with wants. [most with monetary value, some just plain cheesy.]

i want (a):

tattoo(s)
another job
my own place
black nylon member's only jacket
black quilted member's only jacket
black leather member's only jacket
new jeans
new shoes.
keyboard
iPod touch, but will wait for a gen with a camera
psp, so i can play gta on the go...
laptop
dslr camera.
new phone.. contemplating blackberry or iphone. but if im going to get a touch, then probably just a blackberry.
more piano students. to share my passion for music.
to go clubbing for once.
to be on stage again.
vacation.. preferably back to japan.
ps3.
tattoos.
cookies
chocolate
trees. (you know what i mean..)
that warm fuzzy feeling you get from snuggling with love
ping pong balls
table
beer
cheesecake
tattoo
patron
chambord/chambui
~~lady gaga concert tickets~~
lady gaga ass.
ass.
tits.
content wishy wash.
a full stomach like thanksgiving everyday
chelsea lately tickets
russell brand tickets
margaret cho tickets
checks
free tuition
a tattoo of one of my drawings
acura rsx
14 foot black steinway & sons grand piano
beyonce's leotard.
lady gaga's fishnets, and boots (right here) and wig, and her ass.
michael jackson.
a watchamacallit.
100 grand. chocolate bar.
hershey's kisses with almonds
a slot-like machine filled with infinite amount of free hugs for those times of desperation
your soul.
happiness, without the need for drugs.
a good laugh that makes your stomach hurt til you cry.
my parent's trust.
rihanna, pre rated r album. more like when she just cut her hair off, and did jay z's vid. all black. all sex.
emily haines to sing directly into my ear
real world brooklyn. same exact cast. my faves.
kat von d to do me. tattoo wise. and well, if she wanted... i wouldn't turn her down.
kit kats. infinite
lady gaga in her lingerie and diamand ensemble. wow.
coronas.
virginia slim menthols.
cig break with lady gaga.
clouds.
zen garden
six flags trip.
disneyland
knotts.
new clothes.
winning lottery ticket for x amount.
heartfelt hugs. the kind where you don't ever want to let go.
the feeling that you've made it. the feeling where you can finally kick your feet up and sit back and enjoy.
to be 21.
a night out in hollywood.
to mingle.
the sensation of having to pee after holding it in for so long
my new spring classes.
to speak/understand a foreign language fluently.
to hug the shit out of little nugget chuy.
tits and ass
teleporter
private jet
graduate and live life.
a house on the hill, overlooking the ocean.
infinite smiles.

i'm a lady

2009-11-19T20:27:00.000-08:00

after a long absence (again) i come back. blog, forgive me. life happened.

i am obsessed with this song by the way. and also cigarettes. but not in an addictive way.
of course, that sounds like what all addicts would say.

i'm not a chain smoker, that's all. i smoke on occasion. i'm a lady, i can do what i want.

however, living at home, does not allow me to be a lady.

i need a damn job.

oh yeah. i think i've replaced rihanna with lady gaga. rihanna looked a lot better without her hair dyed blond and before she started wearing all these bright clothes.. go back to black and leather rihanna, please. and you'll be my favorite again. but lady gaga is fierce. and what made me love her is her actual talent as a pianist. and her morbid personality. great job.

i'm going to be something. i just don't know what it is yet.
but trust me, even i'm running out of patience with myself.

i do realize that this post lacks cohesiveness, especially with the latter of this blog. thats okay. my life has been very juxtaposed.
fuck, does that even make sense?

i am so annoyed with myself right now.
time to crack open this drink.

good night.

this probably really isnt a return to a never known blog, but i'll pop in every now and then. so that for the future, i can laugh at my wickedness.

I forget about this blog...

2009-07-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

..And I shouldn't... I've been getting back into drawing. I actually drew my very first koi fish (otherwise lesser known as carp...koi sounds better).. and finished it. I think? Well, the fish itself is done--and that alone was the real accomplishment. I know my record of unfinished masterpieces, but here lies a finished product! I'm proud of myself. But I'll definitely keep pushing myself.

So what's going on? (And I say that while wondering whom I'm directing that question to... maybe the unconscious, hidden me of the future.) I've read some great books by David Sedaris (Me Talk Pretty One Day, and Naked--both oh so ridiculously delicious). But sadly I haven't been keeping up on reading because I have fines to pay at the library. And when there's no steady and reliable income, I can't pay that off.. and thus, I can't read to save my brain =[ .. But life goes on.
Or does it?
Who knows, but I know I can't stop living. Who wants to die anyway... I know life throws a lot of curveballs (spell check tells me this is spelled wrong, is there a space?) or sometimes life even throws you bombs that force you to make the quick important decision of going left or right--but even through those times, it's the knowing that it is GOING to get better that makes me carry on. And it must. And the laws of nature should allow things to get better. However, the laws of time, are never really on nature's side. And human nature, hates that.

so yeah. The thought of death sucks, and it's been everywhere on tv. Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, died thursday June 25th, 2009. Where was I when I unofficially heard the rumor of his death? At Maritz, when I finished my application, and was waiting for the receptionist to take my application from me. One of the workers had the receptionist look up the rumor (at the time) of his death. It seemed fake to me, someone just crying wolf to startle attention... Not even 30 minutes later, Amber and I are driving and we receive a call from Amber's friend, Breelyn, telling us that Michael's dead. Cardiac arrest. Amber was once obsessed with Michael, she couldn't even believe it. We drove to Chris' house to watch the news, and it was true. Breaking news. Nothing else was on but the coverage of his death. And poor Farrah Fawcett passed away earlier that day too. Two icons? In one day? The world is horrible. It's history for sure...

So where do I go from here? I seriously, do not know. That was a depressing subject. I am going to Vegas in a week... I'm excited. I'm ready to get away for a bit. Even if it is just one night. I need some good times. Some drinks. Some relaxation.

I fear for my life, sometimes.

2008-09-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

I wish that the past would play its role, and stay in the past.

But it doesn't. Memories--beautiful, and horrific--allow you to access what you've experienced, but especially the incident that hurt you the most. How a certain summer, of a certain year, can rush back to you in one second. And you're paralyzed. You're angry. You're sad. You thought you've overcame this little thing. You've told yourself you're bigger than it. But the size of that moment is indescribable. It's intangible. But it happened. You watched it happen to yourself. And you didn't respond. You didn't act. You just slipped into a dark world. You realize that life is a bunch of bullshit. Happiness is just a tease. The trauma won't cease. All I could do was cry. I try to punch the images out of my head.

I realize it was that moment that changed the path of my life. That moment grabbed me, and threw me into the ocean. I don't believe I've ever come back to the coast. It was that summer. That summer. 5 years ago. I don't know what to make of it. I just know that it changed me. And those people that hurt me, have nothing to say to me that could bring me back to "normal". I know one is in jail. Who knows where the other one is. What a coward. But I am the coward. I never said a thing.

I guess I thought that if I didn't think about it for a long time, it would eventually dissipate. I am a fool.

And they both said "I'm sorry" ... as if these two, "genuine" words could cure it. Please spare me. Don't even bother. Why waste your breath. If you were ever truly sorry, you could have stopped it. You would have known better. I was just a kid. You betray the trust that was given to you. You took advantage of me.

I learned to make bad decisions in order to forget what happened. To force myself to trust again. But now I realize that I was just continuing to fuck up. Decisions from my past, after that summer, are hurting my present, and my future.

I love you. And I mean it. I'm sorry that this happened to me. I'm sorry that I did certain things. I'm sorry that I hurt myself. Especially in front of you. I know my past hurts you too. And that only propels me to punish myself. I wish I could get into my brain, and cut that part out. I am just thankful..grateful.. that you continue to pull me towards you, and away from it all.

I want to forget it. It's not fair...

2007-11-25T22:30:00.000-08:00

im pretty sure that i have no idea what im doing in life.

2007-09-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

I am hungry.

My life is water

2007-09-28T23:11:00.001-07:00

random thought: I think I'm addicted to Dr. Pepper. Mmm. Dr. Pepper. You know what would be cool? To meet someone named Pepper, and they would coincidentally be a doctor. And then I would say the obvious thing, "OH MY GOD, YOUR NAME! DID YOU NOTICE YOUR NAME?? ITS DR. PEPPER!!!" haha. I'd be so obnoxious.

Why did I bring that up, anyway? I don't know. Because I'm sipping that lovely poison right now. I also kind of like the flavored Dasani water. I already like water, but sometimes I need that extra zing. Something not so boring. My life is water from costco (did I spell that right?). I need to upgrade to raspberry flavored dasani water. Or something like that.

So I watched Grey's Anatomy last night. It managed to bring tears to my eyes, along with screaming at the television frequently because they do it right. Yeah, they do it right. And the break up sex. Yes! Yes. Yes I'm saying yes because I like the thought of break up sex. Why the fuck not, eh? Well, I like the thought of sex anyway. Because I'm a slightly perverted bastard. ...Yep.

So yeah, many scenes in that episode reminded me of my own *insert amazing and better word for "shit"* and it frustrated me. That explains my frequent outbursts to the screen. And that's because I watch the show alone, and feel the need to express myself outwardly (which is very opposite of my natural self).

And I like Lexi. I do. She warms my heart. And Izzy. Of course Izzy. She is bambi. She saved bambi! And her interns are asses. I was about to jump through the screen and cut off the dude's balls when he said, "I heard she was blah blah blah blah blahb blah" -- no that's not what he said, but I was too angry to remember and care about what he exactly said.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Why am I going off on this crap? I never know what to write...

...I want to be on a stage. With a guitar. Dancing and playing. And I want to feel that crowd. I want to feel my heart beat with the bass drum. I want to lose myself in that energy. Yessss.. that would be amazing right now.

...in bed

2007-09-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

[[quick great/slightly embarrassing moment of the day that won't make sense: I was so excited during a discussion on the Power of One in class, that I was like YES I SAID THAT when Leaney said that mine (as in mines) and mind is spelled ALMOST the same.. and she was like but its a mistake, and I immediately was like oh... okay *head down*]] like like like yeah whatever.

I am quite saddened by the fact that I only have 5 days left with this MacBook. It has been incredibly helpful.. and easily accessible.. whether if I have been at a table, my couch, or my bed (like I am right now). If only I could say the same thing about a girl. Haha. Easy access wherever I am. Just for me. That's lovely. I wonder if that'll ever be possible. Any takers? .. silence. Point taken.

Well, I have horrible cramps, and instead of my usual night workout, I have decided to type away in bed. I think every sentence should end "in bed". I love adding "in bed" to fortune cookie sayings. In fact one of the fortunes I have saved (its part of my ipod MINI case..yeah, thats right, MINI....but obviously not mini, because its like a brick compared to nano's) says: "You will always be surrounded by true friends..." ..IN BED! Great huh? ... Okay maybe not. Moving on...

I feel like I should pay more attention to my blog. Poor blog, how I have neglected you. But here you still are, allowing me to type words onto you. How you let me use you. Abuse you. Mmm. You deserve way better. You deserve focused entries. Unlike this one which is my mind just puking out whatever I please. If only you, blog, would slap me in the face, and tell me to get to the damn point.

Okay, here's one thing I realized today. Twenty three, has managed to come back to me again. Freakin A! Well, on this month's 23rd day, it felt like a normal day, until I realized I had a text message from someone. Someone intriguing. Intimidating. Unpredictable. It's so funny that it's only coincidental.. but, this person, has part in the original meaning. The breaking of the original meaning. It's been three years since we've last seen eachother... crazy. I know I'm talking way too symbolically, but, yeah. As much as I'd love to be straightforward, I still want to conceal things. And it's way too hard to explain anyway.

I came to this realization in the bathroom. So funny, so true that epiphany's do happen on the toilet. But I wasn't on the toilet. I remember I was looking into the mirror and just staring at my reflection. Most likely talking to myself and BAM! Hello 23.

I keep on kidding around about oh, she must want me if she texts me when she knows she's in my neighborhood for 2 weeks. At the very least I know she was thinking of me (..in bed.. sorry, I had to it was perfect). Mmm, I always get excited when someone hot thinks about me (in bed). I had such a big crush on her when I was a freshman, yet, I was with someone. ...Ah.. good times (in bed). ..Maybe Lynn does leave an impression on some girls (in bed)? Maybe.. maybe......

I hope we do get to hang out (in bed). Although, I have a feeling that things aren't going my way (in bed).. But I will keep thinking about it (in bed). I just hate that I'm so busy (in bed ;]). Sorry is this annoying you? hahaha.

Its okay, I and myself are the readers of my blog. Just like the viewers of my youtube account. my goal: not to be a youtube celebrity. and you know what? MY GOAL IS ACHIEVED!

I do want some sort of fame to nourish my ego. What's not great about girls loving you (in bed)? I want fans...

explain to me this conspiracy against me

2007-09-20T22:57:00.001-07:00

they all play their heart out.. but of course hayley stands out. i wish i could explain the conspiracy. but.. if i ever met her, i'd probably embarrass myself horribly... damn, they make me want to be a rockstar again. -.-

pictures are deceiving

2007-09-08T01:19:00.000-07:00

So here I am, the 23rd picture off the photobooth's "film roll" ... Its convenient to have this macbook, but, inconvenient that i can only do so much on it.

I really want to start another writing project. I had so many ideas burst in my mind while in Japan. All through what I've seen, the people I met/wish I met, what I felt... etc.

But now that I'm home, all I can feel is the loneliness. Invisibility. So many things remind me of the past, and I get greedy and want the past to fly back to me. I know that its impossible, yet I cant help it. I really can't. I hate being alone.

quick footage from japan!

2007-08-25T23:18:00.001-07:00

good day

it has been a while, yes?

2007-01-20T21:21:00.000-08:00

man, what the fuck have i been up to? well.. since the break i've just been i dunno.. Well, I went boarding at mammoth and fell countless times... nearly had a concussion as well. Good times, good times. Little southern californian Lynn is not cut out for such cold weather, but after struggle in a full--THICK outfit for 2 and a half tiring hours... I wanted to strip naked. Don't worry, I didn't...

so yeah... man, finally saw the first two episodes of L word's 4th season. Wow. In a good way. I kind of miss Carmen, cuz she was pretty damn sexy. But Shane is still so fucking awesome/hot. Now she has her brother to take care of. Crazy. Alice is hot. Hot hot hot. Papi.. interesting. Max is a cutie. I want to knock Bette and Tina's heads together sometimes. And then lock them in a room. Just them. And take whomever that guy Tina is with. What's his name again? Whatever, it doesn't matter. I'll throw him into the pacific ocean after I stab him a couple of times. I'll leave a souvenir for Tina. Hahahaha. Ouch.... Anywho.. Oh yeah and Jenny. I understand wanting to read her reviews and crap, but seriously... We all see that shit coming from miles ahead. But I feel for her, knowing that I've written way similar things and actually had my ex girlfriend tell me that I was much like Jenny. I think I'm like a mixture of Shane, Alice, and Jenny. I try to keep cool like Shane, I try to be funny/witty like Al, and Jenny.. well I'm a weird fuck like her. Hahaha.

In fact.. I was reading my old fanfic.. *giggles* I wonder why I stopped writing... I've stopped fiction.. poems... I've also stopped drawing... Geezus. I'm so lazy. I suck. Nah I don't. I'm fucking great man...

So. I think I may be going back into poetry though. Or something of that sort. Possibly do some stuff with guitar. Make another song for my music myspace. Or.. make another video. Music video for Window... use a series of photos I shot of myself. I dunno. I can do so much, but I don't know where to start. Okay, I am gonna start something NOW.

You're close, your clothes, your most
Talented mind, sirens and lights dance
With me--rewind the tape, dance, fly
High, hi, hello, never wave back
In the days, those days, these days silenced
and Unfolded.
Feel the meter, count the way, lets dry.
Dry, it's alright. It's okay. Fine. Wonderful. Great.
Watch clock
--wise go forward.
The credit has been taken and is on the loose.
Shh, the suspect. Yours truly.
Sincerely not, how much should I take on
This carry on
Luggage. I have bags. Do you have a room?
Wrapped forever, as you said.
I don't mind, I replied.

itsssssss the new year..ssssssss..

2007-01-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

start out the day.. brush your teeth! somewhat new hair... (before the ball dropped for the new year....

went across the street (again) to attend the family party... and yes, we had 3 boxes of coronas again.. two were of the light variety, the other extra. hahaha. we saved extra for last. i downed 3 of them.. yet again.. i can barely typre <--type.. right now. my fingers feel like individual popsicles. mmm popsicles? currently listening to: Broken Social Scene - "Fire Eyed Boy" ... must thank Sarah for exposing me to such great music all the time.. these guys sound like the band that my bro has on this burned CD.. its a japanese band, but its so... much.. like.. them.. despite singing in japanese.... and she's right this song makes me want to run. or buy myself a longboard and cruise down and curve my way through the mass of people that have infected mother earth. if you're into things that usually won't be played on the radio, but are good for putting in the car radio because its pretty upbeat, but not pop like hit me baby one more time, sort of deal. yeah man. think of it as layers of music. the drums keep you going, keep you awake.. but you can also just mellow out to this stuff. you have the bass punching out, vibrating your toes. you have the guitar going crazy, but not in your face crazy. and you have mellow lyrics, a soothing-ish melody line, and you don't have to really listen to it. and if you did it'd be amazing. yeah. its like that.

i ended up looking like this when i got home. after the loud noise, the endless fish and lobster ball eating, donut eating (you know i have the Mozilla where it gives the red line when you misspell something, and i wrote "doughnut" and it said wrong.. donut is NOT wrong? what the hell.. i guess..) beer drinking... yeah.... i.. have nothing to talk about.. well i do.. but... maybe another blog................

happy new year.

lynn's first cavity =|

2006-12-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

aw man. i thought i'd be cavity-less forever, but i guess not! i kind of hate going to the dentist, cuz i know that i don't have the best oral hygiene.. but until now its finally caught up and i have my first cavities--ever. boo? i am really hungry, but the fluoride made me sick to my stomach. i cant eat for another half hour anyway... yeah..........

i had another weird dream, but no hot chicks... just making makeshift tsunamis in our garage that goes throughout the whole neighborhood... yeah i dont know how we did it, but we did. *shakes head*

so brown eyes i'll hold you near, cuz you're the only song i want to hear, a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere..
yeah an old-ish song i know, but i still think its great.

next song... "Pac Man" by Bitch and Animal.. mmm good stuff.

its a weird feeling, being hungry but your stomach also says "NOOO.. NOO FOODDDDD"

i love family guy. the end.

She throws a knife at me and misses

2006-12-27T21:48:00.000-08:00

soooo.. i had a dream about this lovely girl to the right... and.. well, she was throwing a knife at me, luckily i was crawling on the floor and the knife hits the table (i think we were in a kitchen). it was some odd dream where i think we were filming something? or i was just living a "real life" horror movie. but then when i went to hide in a far away room (it was set in a house btw.. or at least the rooms eventually connected to a house, with normal rooms and such) and she comes to find me there. she stares at me says something like, "oh im gonna get you so bad" and quickly leaves the room and shuts the door. im sitting under a table, scared shitless, but also somewhat turned on? next thing i know a guy named Brian whom i have never ever seen before alks into the room with a camera and looks like he's about to film something. olivia comes walking in after him and then all of a sudden there's a bed, and she sits on it.

im sitting there being paranoid, acting like im scared and about to cry because somehow im still under the impression that she's this murderer that wants to kill me--and i guess this guy Brian is here to film my bloody death scene? again, i think there's no better way to die then to have a sex vixen like olivia wilde to kill me--hence being somewhat turned on. anyways, she begins mumbling some lines that i don't remember, and im just there on the carpeted floor, nervously rocking with my knees up to my chest you know? all of a sudden i get tired of her talking for some reason and i say a really random thing: "YOU KNOW WHAT, IM TIRED OF YOUR STUPID COMMERCIAL!" and then i push her, but then she pushes me back, and then i fall back into an old television set (which is on), and my head busts through. and then im standing there WATCHING myself, and i'm like YEAH IM GONNA DIE! ...........yeah, exactly. wtf? lol.

i end up walking out of the room as the sparks of the television flies and my body fries basically. i see everyone just laughing and i'm like, they're gonna find out im dead soon. so either we were filming a horrible horror movie, or it was "real" and olivia wilde kills me and i get out of my body as it fries. what kind of demented shit is that? lol i mean if im gonna dream about olivia wilde i would at least throw in some sex scene AND THEN get bloody murdered by her. then again im not complaining that she does the duty.

i need a massage.